I know how you feel

My life had no single “defining moment.” I faced times in my life when I needed to take a stand for myself, or be lost forever, living my life by someone else’s design.

I know how you feel

Lack of confidence and anger ruled my world, I felt misunderstood and I was a runner. My anger was deep and turned in on myself. My stomach always in knots and tumbling, I swallowed my voice, by sulking, disconnecting myself and shutting down. Or, I could go react in an instant.

My parents taught me to keep myself to myself: “You only give 99% of yourself to anyone and the other 1% you keep, don’t lose yourself by loving too deeply.  Furthermore, never ever let anyone know what you are thinking and or let anyone know your business because they could use it against you.” That was how I was raised; that is what I knew and how I survived? I was emotionally disconnected and stunted!  I gave myself permission to only laugh or be angry, those where my only forms of self-expression.  Never sad, for sadness was weakness and so was vulnerability.  I was left feeling like a clown with smile slapped on my face being disconnected, sad and cutoff from the world of sharing myself.

I knew choose to marry and settle in NY that I could not continue to live like this my parents had done a great job, and that way of being no longer worked for me. My family and I were close and self-expressed if we were laughing, having fun or fussing.  However, intimacy was awkward and was only expressed in as a third person.  In NY I asked myself, who would I talk to; who would tell or hear my secrets? As I had kept my secrets to myself. I was lost and alone. I kept myself busy so I did not have to be with myself and I could go on working and working. I had to be good at whatever I did because I had to do it alone. I never asked for anything. It took me a long time to learn how ask for what I wanted. I had to learn to speak up for myself in a way that had people listen to me. I dominated myself and people to avoid being dominated by them.

I always thought I was confident, until the day my marriage ended. It taken a long time to do end it.  It was a confusing experience not having the words to express my feelings because I had not created relationships to share myself with.  It took a long time to discover what freedom was for me. I had never lived by myself, I was afraid and my confidence and self-esteem were in the crapper.

I kept that hidden except for when I had to make personal choices. I had none. I existed in the world of no self-worth that were run by limiting beliefs that rendered me filled with negative internal conversations about myself that ran my life: I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. I never had enough, money, time, attention and love.  These were all my internal conversations.  I did how had a lot of physical energy.  I was likable, charismatic and this made no sense to me. How could I be this will all these feelings. It was a confusing time.

Today, my life is such a pleasure to know that these were just a series of conversations that rattled around my head like marbles when I was faced with generating my power. Do you know that these conversation, never actually go away? And now, I know they are not real, they don’t mean anything.  I gave them meaning. If you reading this, consider if you desire a great life, It takes commitment to live my life. Today, I feel connected to others, and because of that, today I express myself freely. I own my voice, speak my truth and live life my way and you can also.

Cro-Magnon Sex. Oh My.

Caveman With Club Cartoon CharacterI love sex and really, I cannot fathom what has had me go without it for so long. I wrote an article before called “how long is too long without sex.” I can answer that question. If you are an active person, any amount of time can be too long, it’s personal. I love and really enjoy sex. I think I am pretty good at it. I know I am good at it for myself as I know what I like and I am confident enough to request it. I have even been known to command it.

I am actually gearing up for some good sex, but I have no idea with who. However, I see myself in a very engaging and fantastic relationship with an amazing man very soon. Ladies, it’s okay to tell a man or partner what you want in the bedroom, living room, and kitchen or where ever you want to get it on, what you desire.

I love that word desire, it just zips across my tongue.

To have an amazing time while having sex, you have to be willing to do a little training, to get what it is you desire. Confidence is really important in all areas of your life and confidence is even sexier in the bedroom. It provides you with the idea, answer and everything you could possibly want or don’t want.

I dated this guy who I had known for a really long time, we were good friends and he had always wanted to date me. I liked him and he was kind of sexy. Key word there was kind of sexy. In life one has to learn a few things and gosh did I learn. It helps one discover what works and what doesn’t. Well, we started dating and low and behold sex with him was terrible.

He was like a frigging Cro-Magnon man. Sex with him was horrible and sex and horrible are not two words I like to put together. He was rough and terrible it was like he was running a race with a sack of potatoes on his back. Honestly, the relationship ended right there. He was not willing to take direction, he had these belief that sex was supposed to be rough and hard and he did not want to be told what to do with MY Vagina. So no more to be said, that was the end of the experience. It did impact our friendship. However, me being me we were able to re-establish our friendship after he got over his embarrassment.   Lovely, guy but not for me. We were very different.

It is important to know what you want and what you will deal with in the bedroom. We all have our likes and dislikes and one has to know what they are willing to do and want to do. If you choose to do what your partner wants, make sure it is because you are participating freely so you don’t have any resentments.

I could be okay with my friend, the Cro-Magnon man because I am secure and know what I will do and won’t do. I am not willing to feel bad about myself and can stop any action the moment if does not fit or suit my needs.

I love and enjoy sex and I think that it is important that we all find our sexual groove.

  • Love your body the way it is and if you do not love your body the way it is, do the work that will have you grow to love it. The truth is it’s the only one you have.
  • If you don’t like the fat on your hips – take action and lose it.
  • If you are holding shame in some area of your body – take action and go see someone to help you work it out – keeping it in will rub you of your life.
  • Your sexual energy is your power express it freely, honor it – do not abuse it.
  • During sex be present and enjoy the ride – there is no one sexier than you. Different yes, they have their sexy and you have yours. Ask for what you desire.
  • Drunken sex – go figure.
  • Get close and personal with your Vagina. Use a mirror take a look – so that your partner can get close and personal with it and you can be comfortable.
  • Use your hands and explore yourself through masturbation. It’s good and healthy for you.

Take the steps and get to know yourself fully.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

CALLING IN THE ONE UNAPOLOGETICALLY

Calling In The One (7)

An amazing piece of work, lively, revealing, challenging, provoking. Not for the faint of heart. Clear out the old, make room for a new and appropriate relationship. Leave old lovers in the past.  Expand your capacity to give and receive love courageous. Register now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Your Own Valentine, Darn It!

hands holding a string of paper hearts up to the sun during sun

Valentine’s Day is an idea of celebration of how much you love someone or how much you are loved by another person. Valentines can be a double-edged sword. This is the time of year when people get engaged, receive tons of flowers on the job. Receiving flowers at your workplace might make you feel good. However, it might make the other single women want to run and hide. So women/people who have not received gifts might internalize their self-loathing of not have received flowers because they don’t have a significant other.

This is the time year where your local restaurant turns into massive orgy of a place for gluttony of chocolate, dinner and torrid sex. (Yum) If you’re not in a relationship you might feel that you want to escape the all-around experience of happy lovers on Valentines. You might experience feelings of bitterness. Watch that. Bitterness create ugliness. You don’t want to be ugly. Put your hater feelings in check.

Sure, people celebrate Valentine’s Day to show how much they love that very special someone in their lives. This Valentine make yourself special. Be your special person by being your own Valentines this year. Feel good about yourself and celebrate with yourself and or friends.  

  1. Organize a Valentine’s dinner with a group of friends and express your appreciation and love for your friendship.
  2. Indulge in your pleasure’s on Valentine’s Day and enjoy
  3. Get out your favorite sex toy and lubrication if needed and have a torrid sexual experience on your own.
  4. Send yourself something you would like to receive from a lover
  5. Have a night in with friends and watch romantic comedy.
  6. Empower yourself and go out alone spend an evening by doing something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. 

What you should not do on Valentines:

  1. Disempower yourself and make yourself wrong for not having a relationship for the umpteenth.
  2. Drink yourself into a stouter to numb out some fictional relationship pain.
  3. Isolate yourself
  4. Buy yourself a ton of chocolate guzzle the whole lot and then complain about how fat you are. Instead guzzle the whole and share the pleasure you got.
  5. Do not ruminate about lost love.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

Breaking Down Barriers & Relying on Others

In a relationship, you have to being willing to rely on others.

Couple In Love On A Bench

What is a real relationship to you? A relationship is what you say it is. However, often times it is not what’s coming out of your mouth that breaks down our relationships, it’s what we are not saying and what we are doing that ends them.

For instance, if you believe that you can’t rely on anyone, that is the hidden message that you are sending out into the universe and others. Do you find yourself attracting the same dynamic – such as the dates that always rely on you to plan the date, make the call etc., and you don’t know why? What you do know is you cannot rely on them.

That’s your unconscious action of not relying people because you’re afraid you will be kept waiting, disappointed, hurt, crying, lost and they will only leave you broken hearted and alone. So you do things on your own. Do you want to continue doing that? How would that experience feel? Truth is you won’t feel anything because it is an internal conversation that you are blind to.

How will you be able to rely on a person you are in a relationship with? You can’t. When you say that you cannot rely on people you are actually saying that you cannot trust people. So no matter what people do for you, in your background they’re not doing it well enough. Judgments are at the head of your table. Truth is you might not even be aware this because you are blind to your to your actions. Being in a relationship, a real relationship, one has to be willing to rely on another person. When you cannot rely on people, you’re saying you don’t trust people and so you will never trust a relationship, because you cannot trust yourself, and deeper than that you cannot trust the divine.

When you cannot trust you or the divine, you will not be able to experience the things that are important to you and you can experience difficulty creating the very things that are important to you in because creation lives in the world of trusting the unseen. So you might be a person who is extremely reliable and trusted by many people. However, you are not aware of your behavior and you might feel alone, and maybe you do not have the experience of people wanting to help and support you. The following might give you some insight as to what is operating out of your perception.

Here is a classic example of failure to rely on someone else:

You ask someone to help you with a problem. They agree to help you and as fast as the request came out of your mouth. You’ve done it on your own.

The person is doing the task at hand:

  • You go behind them and redo the task i.e. reset the table.
  • You hesitate or don’t to ask for help because you believe no one can do it the way you would like or as good as you.
  • You ask a man for help, then wind up being disappointed because you could have done it yourself.
  • You share with a friend something important to you that you want to accomplish. You friends start relating to you in the way of the accomplishment and you get upset and call it pressuring.
  • You ask for advice or help, and then when the person is talking, you interrupt by not allowing them to support you…because you believe you know it all.
  • Friends ask you how they can help you. You refuse to share what you need because you are so accustomed to doing things yourself that it feels like an intrusion.

If you really are committed to having a relationship, practice relying on people and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Happy Thanksgiving To You

Happy Thanksgiving (6)

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, business associates and neighbors.

In this time of year I have a lot to be Thankful for. I am thankful for all that I have accomplished this year. I am thankful all the women that joined me in my workshops. Participants and Doulas. We had a wonderful time. We created awesome things and opportunities, we received things we did not know we wanted and let go and released things we no longer wanted.

I am thankful for all my friends and wonderful friendships, the people who have worked with me this year. I am thankful for my health and wellbeing, I am thankful that my Diabetes was discovered. For if it were not discovered. That would have been terrible. I am thankful for my doctors and health professionals. I am thankful for my neighbors, friend and the love that they provide me in my community. I am thankful for the shopkeepers in my community and the services they provide. I am thankful for my networking partners.

Thanksgiving is not a holiday I grew up having. It is something that I adopted in coming to America. I think it is a wonderful time to get together with people and make contact with people to share how thankful you are to have them in your life. It is a time to express and share love.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving and the energy of being thankful every day in your life.

Noreen Sumpter

20 Things To Do To Maintain Your Friendships

Screen shot 2014-09-09 at 11.39.03 AM

I am so excited to know that as long as I have an abundance of happiness and love, I am rich beyond measure. This fills my heart. My relationships with my friends and family are the cornerstone of who I am and how I live my life. If I kill off one person in my life, I feel a deficit.

What my friends can count on from me is that I will always clean up any mess I have with you. I will be 100% responsible for what I say and do not say, how I was being or not being. Just because our relationship is over does not mean I don’t and won’t love you. My love for you will never die, because there is a fine line between love and hate, if I resist my love for you I’ll be mad. So, I will use my love, where it will live as a warm memory in my heart.

Use these 20 tips to keep your friendships healthy.

1. Accept your friends as they are and not as you think they are (do this and you won’t be disappointed).
2. You and your friends might be similar however, you are different in a lot of unknown ways (this experience is sometime a bitch to learn).
3. Your experiences are yours, they are not theirs (share, share, share and don’t expect them to know everything).
4. Give your friends the same freedom you want in your life (don’t blame them for their choices).
5. Differences in friendship are what makes the friendship exciting and powerful (opposites create fun, courage and risk. Hello!).
6. Tell your friends what you expect. (They cannot and don’t want to read your mind)
7. Happiness is a subjective phenomenon; and is experienced differently by everyone. It means different things to each of you. (Variety is the spice of life)
8. Focus on what you have in the friendship and not what you don’t have.
9. Create with your friends what you are committed to in your friendship (Recreate it daily)
10. Honor you word in your friendship. (Do what you say you’ll do. If you can’t ,say so)
11. Know what you value in yourself so you can share it with you friends (Now they know)
12. Let your friends know that you value and love them
13. Don’t forget how it feels to receive respect and affection from your friends. (Express and share it)
14. Take time to celebrate yourself, and your friendship openly (I am so glad we are friends. I love you).
15. Recognize your friends and their strengths (My friend Kim has style, Jacquelyn is great with structure, Mike rocks the house with music. My sister makes my stomach muscles hurt with jokes).
16. We are humans and we all make mistakes, do not kill off your friends for mistakes (Gee, thinks everyone is a stalker because they love her)
17. Give to your friendships with an open heart
18. Don’t take your friendships for granted (furthermore, practice not taking yourself for granted).
19. If you have negative thoughts toward a friend challenge it and immediately create a positive thought (This takes mega practice).
20. Open your heart in your friendships. Be willing to be moved, touched and inspired with your friends. (I feel weepy, that was so special)
The happiest people have lots of friends, and have the ability to build supportive relationships and they spend time with happy people. Knowing your communication style is important as knowing how to share your affections and emotions, as well as building trust. It is important to spend time investing in and maintaining your relationship if you want to build a great friendships.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

Hello Ducky!

ducks

Rubber ducks can help your give up the past and its problems.  With a duck you can end a constant complaint that you have in your life.

Wait. “What you talking about, Willis?”

Well, last weekend I assisted at a Wisdom Seminar. Wisdom is a yearlong course where we the members meet collectively every quarter to talk about things we love in our lives and want, it is a training and development seminar like no other.  The workshop gives you tools to dream, create and play in your life.

Ducks were used to change negative constant complaining conversations. 

duck3

 

We were throwing ducks (aka playing). The idea was when I threw a duck I had to say quack and when I caught a duck I’d say quack.  We coupled that with a complaint.  The gist of the game is I find a complaint that I cannot let go one that I really complain about and then complain about it for 5 minutes then throw the duck. I threw it intensely as I do not get an opportunity to throw things ever. So throw it for 5 minutes then go back and talk about the complaint again.  I discovered when I went back to talk about the complaint, it was as though my mind had rewired the complaint and it did not have the same flavor. The complaint disappeared!

The irony is that Ducks can help you get rid of your complaints.  Who knew?

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

What Women Said About Calling In The One Unapologetically Workshop

What can I say about this workshop? It was phenomenal! My experience of the workshop has transformed my communication and relationship to men.  If I can be candid with you, since my divorce some good many years ago, I believed that there was nothing a man could do for me that I could not do for myself. Truth be told, the only thing that a man could do for me was sex – a good roll in the hay and I knew what I liked and was not very open to anything else.  Sex was one of the few things that a man could provide for me, plus a few handyman things.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love men and there were other things that they could do for me, but sex was the prime ingredient.  I was not looking for a partner. Furthermore, from where I stood, there was not much I could see.  Yes, you might even say that I objectified men.

Some time ago, I had a relationship with a man and this time, I completely allowed myself to enjoy my interaction with him, spending times when we were just being together. During my interactions with him I felt loving, kind and generous. I discovered that the missing ingredient was me.  As it turned out, the relationship did not last, however the experience left me wondering and feeling wonderful. I had love for this man, which was great.  I had learned to express love.

After that relationship, it dawned on me that what I desire is a committed loving relationship with a man. However, as an adult woman, I had no idea what it would take or who I had to become to have one.  So I started to inquire about what having that kind of relationship would take.  That is when I found the book, Calling in the One I started reading it and saw all the exercises and realized that I had no interest in going through the book alone and invited some women into having me facilitate a group where we would go through it together.

Completion Party for the last Calling In The One workshop
Completion Party for the last Calling In The One workshop

It was a wild and woolly experience that ended a nine week experience with all I could say was WOW.  It was emotional, I cried buckets of tears, and I discovered things about myself that I did not know. During one of the exercises on releasing, I experienced what I can best describe as synchronistic: boyfriends, ex-husband, ex-lovers all turned up almost from out of the blue with apologies for things they had said or done in the relationship.  Memories came flooding back of the kind of relationship my mother and father had.  Long and difficult conversations with my former husband were had. I developed a new and profound respect for myself and men, the discovery of what love as an expression really is for me and for others.

Although I was the facilitator of the workshop, I was doing the work alongside the other women. The workshop had me go places that no ordinary woman would want to go.  The women who participated in this workshop were and are an extraordinary class of women who made it safe for everyone to go to those places.  This workshop is a microcosm of life on the court. The heavy lifting and removing obstacles and the resulting lightness of being afterwards has left me more accepting of men than ever before, which is resulting in the beginnings of new friendships. I could not have done this work without the other women in the group. What I saw was that thriving relationships are not for the weak at heart.  In relationships one is compelled to look at oneself in the face through the reflection of another. This workshop is for all women who love who they love, where women who are looking at themselves get to see themselves through the nonjudgmental listening of other women.

As previously mentioned, I based this workshop on the book, Calling In the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and what I provided was a support structure with respect and a safe space for women to express themselves.  I will be facilitating another workshop later this summer.

Come to our Introduction Party on June 15th, 2014 at 3:00 p.m. to learn more about this wonderful workshop!

cito2.jpg TESTIMONIALS

“I love this workshop! When I started this workshop I was single for three years, not really having any luck in the dating scene. As a lesbian in NYC, your outlets to meet new women are limited to a handful of bars and I wasn’t having any luck on online dating. I felt lost navigating through the urban jungle and through social life of the LGBTQ scene. I eventually threw in the towel and told myself I was never going to meet anyone, ever again. 

The moment I started this workshop things started moving for me! I was able to forgive my exes and let go of past wrongs and hurt from all relationships in my life. I started working on powerful affirmations for my life, on my self-confidence, and creating my dream woman. Two weeks into the course, I had the courage to ask out a woman that I really admire. Now, you must know I NEVER would have taken the chance! I had no idea how it would go and I was terrified – I didn’t even know if she was into women! I “made of move” and it’s been a blast ever since! Dating someone while taking this workshop has made the biggest difference. Weekly I come and share what I want to create and let go of insecurities so I can have a healthy relationship.  I’m committed to going from a “me” to a “we.” And, the woman I am dating is the woman of my dreams!” – Kat Pactong

“I am so simply amazed that Noreen just kind of fell into my life and presented me with the gift of being a part of a group that is so life changing and touching. Before CITO  I just didn’t know how to articulate my feelings or express them correctly or effectively , through each week I am now able to be authentic and open in a way that sharing is as natural to me as breathing. I feel a greater sense of well being & belonging. I learned so much from the women in the group. I have shared the most recent phases of my journey with them. What made me feel a greater sense of powerful vulnerability is when Noreen would share . I realized through her that wherever we are in life we are all human. CITO changed my life & I am so ecstatic to pass this message along! I BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART IT WILL CHANGE YOURS TOO!” – Aleisha D. Stewart

I would love to connect with you on social media. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter and Facebook

Removing Emotional Armor

I first noticed I was hiding behind emotional armor with a friend of mine that I loved very much. It was difficult and I choose to give up my emotional armor and become vulnerable.  We used to go skating in Central Park every Sunday, she, her husband and my husband (now ex) and I.  They were all good at skating. I was awful and gradually over time I became better. One Sunday we had a skating picnic for a friend’s birthday in the Central Park. My friend wanted me to skate with her like we always did and I said “in a minute.” However, that minute never happened she got angry because I didn’t skate with her that Sunday.

We lived in the same building; we were neighbors, so I couldn’t avoid my friend who got really angry at me and we started fussing, me standing my ground that I did not have to skate.  During those times I did not have the context of having it all, I lived in a one-or-the-other world. We both went home to our respective houses upset.  However, the fussing continued with our respective husbands until they became fed up.  My husband called friend’s husband and they both came down to our apartment and we all came together.  Our husbands knew that they would not be getting any peace while we were upset with each other.  They let us hash it out. I was by the bathroom with my arms crossed and my lower lip pushed out sulking, she was on the corner of our couch, arms crossed in a slouched position.

Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions.
Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions inside.

I loved my friend very much, and I felt the love and the upset I could feel both emotions were whirling around inside me. I did not want to acknowledge either of them.  It was in that moment that I accepted that I had armor. I wanted to be right, and upset, rather than ask her to forgive me and admit that she was disappointed. I knew that if I continued this way I would lose my friend, which would meant losing all the fun that we had together, the skating, parties, cocktail hours, conversations in the garden, shopping, everything and most of all the intimacy and trust we ever had.  This was the first time that I realized that this is the way I acted when I felt attacked or made wrong.  I would just cut off the relationship.  I saw that I was prone to suffering rather than cleaning up the messes.

I took a leap of faith and took responsibility for my armor. It was a protective shield that I had created years ago to avoid feeling vulnerable.  Being vulnerable for me was a weakness and I didn’t want to look or feel weak.  Accepting my fear of vulnerability opened me up to a sense of power. I became honest with myself and my friend. I’m human, at some point in my relationships and interactions I will experience or cause upsets, disappointments and communication breakdowns. Life is not black and white and my fears were valid, and my actions or inactions have consequences.

I’ve learned that anger is an important emotion and if not expressed it ends up becoming resentment.  Anger is here to help us deal with our perceived violations and perpetrations. I can choose to express it or repress it.  If repressed it becomes a vicious cycle and I will continue experience lack of control. I feared my anger because I felt that it was bigger than me. I repressed anger not knowing it was the same experience, Ieaving me with feelings of constant defensiveness.

Today, I feel that there really is nothing to be fearful of about my anger.  Owning anger and using it as an alarm system to realize when our boundaries have been breached. Note that when we are angry it looks like we are angry at the other person.  However, if we are honest with ourselves we see that we are angry at ourselves when we distinguish this, it become a form of sadness, and I have now learned to deal with it in a way that supports me.  I can be with my anger.  I listen to what aspect of my boundaries have been breached. Katherine Woodward Thomas so eloquently says:

“Listen to its power and its fury.  Underneath the resounding whirlwind of rage is a very important message that we obviously need to hear.  When anger consumes us, there is information present that is much like gold that must be searched for and minded.”

We can then restore our integrity and personal safety.  Anger becomes an opportunity to take positive action – where relationships thrive, friendships are maintained and love is present.  It is a powerful opportunity for balance in relationships.

We cannot have or keep love and friendship alive without experiencing our emotions and growing without doing the work we are resisting.

You do not have to answer the questions below – however, by doing so and taking action you might be able to put your boundaries back in place and restore your personal integrity.  You might see and opportunity for true forgiveness.

  • Who are you angry at?
  • What are you most afraid of?
  • What are the violations of your boundaries?
  • What is your responsibility?
  • What if any actions are you willing to take or not take?
  • What could happen if you take no action?
  • When will you take these actions or have the matter be complete?
  • Is there a place for forgiveness of yourself or the person involved?

NoreenSumpterCoach.com

I would love to connect with you on social media. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter and Facebook.

 

 

An Interview with Actress Cece Abbassi

Cece Abbassi

 

I’d like to introduce and welcome <a href=”http://www.backstage.com/ceceabbassi/”>Cece Abbassi</a>, who is originally from London England.  Cece has come to New York to follow her dream of being an actor.  This is not Cece’s first time in New York.    Her experience in England was not inspiring or successful.  She was not getting any auditions.  She noticed all the best actors of color like Idris Elba left England and are making it in America.  She wants create her chance.

Cece is my niece and she out talking to people, making contacts so that she can learn what she needs to know about working in NY.  Cece is Jamaican, and Iranian. She stands 5’6” and has a shiny energy.  She is described as bubbly and charismatic.  She walks into a room and her energy takes over.

She’s in New York City pursuing her dream of becoming an actor.  So without further ado, here is Cece’s interview.

<strong>Idris Elba is a popular British actor, what do you think about him being the new James Bond?</strong>
I love this man, every time I pass the Mandela posters that line the walls of my local subway station I’m filled with much pride. Now, Idris Elba as James Bond? I think it’s great that Idris is a candidate but I’m somewhat torn between tradition and the character evolving further. For me, Bond is Roger Moore. I wasn’t best pleased when Daniel Craig was cast as 007. There’s an infinite amount of room to create and establish strong and new 007-esque inspired characters. Come on, let’s get creative.

<strong>What do you think of American Men and are there any differences between men here and men across the pond?</strong>
Comparatively it’s hard to say as we’re all individuals and have all had various levels of cultural conditioning especially if I’m to compare two major cities that are as culturally diverse as London and New York. I feel there are probably far many more similarities than differences especially if we are considering television and film as our cultural gage, as our exposure is essentially the same. Having said that though one distinct difference in character is confidence; an American doesn’t need the help of three or four pints in order to tell you that they think you’re gorgeous.

<strong>You have been in Brooklyn before what is it that brings you back?</strong>
Apart from me loving New York’s infectious get up and go energy, I’m here to further my career as an actress as you have a hell of a lot more opportunity for actors of color. Television and Film is usually a medium that reflects its society and in the UK the African Diaspora makes up something like just under 2 million of a population of 63 million, so obviously there would be more opportunity over here as the African Diaspora in the US makes up a much larger percentage of the population.

<strong>When did you realize that you had this burning passion to become an actor? </strong>
I had always wanted to try my hand at acting but it took me a while before I expressed it.  As a child, I went to a performing arts school in London called The Brit School and my priority back then was art and music. The realization happened when I was living in Madrid and I saw an advertisement for a bilingual theater production. I fell in love with acting, the city and its people – a pretty significant part of my heart is still there.

<strong>What fears and concerns did you have to give up in order to pursue your career?</strong>
That annoying internal voice that would preach social conformity, yes that used to concern me – it’s terrified of me now so it knows to stay away.
<strong>

Who and what inspired you to pursue your dreams as an actor?</strong>
My creative practice inspires me to connect and help people connect with themselves. As an artist the best feeling for me is when I help someone connect with a part of him or herself that they wouldn’t usually give themselves access to.
I know that I’m fortunate to know exactly what it is that I want and because of that I’m on a relentless pursuit to make it happen. I know for many this isn’t the case and if you’re reading this and you so happen to be one of those people the best advice I can give is to go and try something new, something out of your comfort zone, even if  its volunteering for a few hours a week. I see it as a process of elimination in the shape of a life sized sieve. Eventually you’ll figure it out and when you do you won’t be able to imagine yourself doing anything else. I love acting, it feels like every experience I’ve ever had makes sense and can be put to use. Also I recommend getting yourself a life coach – hire Noreen Sumpter – she’s brilliant.

<strong>In one year where would you like to have your career be? </strong>
Lead in a feature film.

<strong>What do you believe is your right as a woman to be do and have the life you want? </strong>
I believe as a human for me to have complete rights is for me to be autonomous achieved by educating myself mentally, spiritually, physically and by having financial independence. Unfortunately in most parts of the world financial independence equates to freedom.

<strong>What kind of actor are you? And what and how inspires you? </strong>
Every person I’ve come into contact with, I believe that every person you meet whether it is for all of five seconds leaves a little fragment of themselves with you. So to answer your question connecting is what inspires me.

<strong>What is the most difficult thing that you have overcome and what is the mindset that you created to get over it? </strong>
Choosing to no longer facilitate a relationship with a family member based on my relatives’ terms. I believe ‘how you do anything is how you do everything’ I carry that philosophy into every aspect of my life.

<strong>You describe yourself as colored; do you know that this is a reference that African Americans no longer use to describe themselves? Knowing this why do you describe yourself as colored? Are you confident enough to deal with the backlash that this could cause? </strong>
Well, I don’t know about you but I’ve never seen a black person nor a white person. We come in many shades and I feel like the word “colored” is inclusive of our various different forms (my father is Middle Eastern and my mother is Caribbean). To answer your question about whether I can deal with any backlash that my using the word colored might cause, like everything in this world, words are no different. They take on their own evolution but also stand as a reference point to what they once stood for. I feel we could view this once derogatory word and see it as marker to how far we’ve come. I’m a paradigm shifter, what can I say.

<strong>If you were to describe yourself what are some of the key adjectives that you would use?</strong>
Lovely – thought I’d throw it in there for you Americans. Boundless, creative, adventurous, dynamic, smart, loyal, fun and kind.
<strong>

Acting is not an easy career, there are a lot of rejections, and what do you do to keep yourself grounded? </strong>
I see every audition a bit like dating: you could go on a date and you’re both exactly what the other is looking for. Sometimes it’s one sided, and other times there could be just no chemistry at all. Now, I love dating and I’ve experienced all three scenarios. Am I going to give up on creating new possibilities because I fear that every audition or date may not land me the role or have me not meet one of the big loves of my life… absolutely not.

<strong>What’s the most helpful piece of advice you can offer to anyone wanting to pursue his or her dream?</strong>
The answer to that is in the question, to ask for help, there’s no shame in it. We can’t achieve anything alone, we need each other so ask, and you might just be surprised at how willing people are to help you. I was given that piece of advice by my life coach Noreen Sumpter and it’s constantly in action.

http://www.backstage.com/ceceabbassi/

Give Your Word Away

Photo by neverendingx1
Photo by neverendingx1

Giving your word helps your creativity soar.  I am as guilty as the next person – saying I am going to do something, start creating it and not finishing it. Whatever reason I had for stopping what I was creating, my reasons are never real. My reasons are things that live in my head and impact the way I communicate.  I speak curtly to myself. I get annoyed and irritated with myself. My energy feels dis-empowered and I have no self-compassion.
When I look at this, what it came down to is that there areas of my life that are important but at the same time difficult.  I noticed I was rarely honoring my word to myself.  No matter what I created, whatever needed to occur, was not going to happen because my word was weak.  In order to break this pattern, I created a stand for myself called “The Royal Word.”
It was not that I did not deserve to be treated well; it was that I did not get the impact of keeping my word to myself.   I just made myself wrong for not finishing the things I said I was going to do.  Why? Because I made up the idea that along with my new ideas, I was supposed to know how to get them done.  How could that be?  My new idea was something I never did before and something I never created before. I would see it in my mind’s eye, but when it came to manifesting it, I was making myself wrong because I thought I was also supposed to know what to do.  Because I could not make it happen, I believed I had failed myself and therefore hid the idea from myself and others. I moved on, however I would repeat this pattern over and over again.   Duh!
What I recently learned to do was to forgive myself and let go of my need to know how to do something.  How many of you have a need to know how things are supposed to go?  Millions of us.  When I had a need to know I felt dis-empowered, and experienced a loss of power. With the loss of power I felt confused, upset and angry at myself.  My anger at myself was like having a low grade fever.  I felt ashamed, and just plain bad.

 

What I learned was to switch myself on full blast.  I learned it works to share my upset, and tell on myself.  With this I also discovered that when I am creating something new, I can give myself permission to not know how it is going to go. I can be like a newborn baby that came into the world.  My new idea is just an idea. I have a general idea and I will develop it and give myself permission to fail.  I am allowed to get it wrong.  I give myself permission to be like a child is learning to walk, it falls down a million times.  I don’t have to worry about what my peers are going to say about me.  I can just fail and fail and fail, until I get it to succeed.
I have learned to give my word to my friends.  I give my word to people who are on the same path as me.  Have you noticed how it is easy for us to provide for others and when it comes to ourselves we just give up?  Well, I am committed to being a success in all areas of my life, doing the things that I deem successful.

 

What works for me is giving my word to another person.  It lives like when a close friend asks you to do something, you do it, no matter how long it takes for you to do it.  You get it done on the wire; you meet the friend’s deadline, right?  Have you noticed how that happens?  Now, on the flip side, when you have to give your word to yourself, you fiddle around and almost never get it done.

 

I give my word to a friend – someone who I respect – so that I now have an anchor for my word.  This anchor has been helping me fulfill my word.  I am learning and taking on my dreams. It helps me not to forget that I count, that I am important, and that I have a unique and special contribution to make in the world.  I know that my dreams, fantasies and goals are as important as anyone else’s in the world.  So, Give Your Word Away.

How to Repair a Broken Friendship

Photo by Arne Hendriks
Photo by Arne Hendriks

Last week I talked about friendships and what happens when they suddenly end. I have been pondering my friendships to understand what happens and what it will take for me to be a great friend as well as an incredible Life Coach in the area of Confidence and Self Esteem.

What I saw in myself and my friendships was shocking.  I’ve been being a bratty demanding friend and ending relationships with the Kiss of Death.  I want you to know, that I have been doing some powerful work in and around my friendships. I have taken  immediate action, cleaned up and have gotten rid of olds way of behaving that no longer work or serve me.

What I know is that I love my friends. My friends love me and love being with me.  However, what I saw about myself is that I do not have space for them to make mistakes in their friendship with me.  I want my friends to be perfect and not cause me any concerns or hurt me in any way that I deem unsuitable for a friendship. So the moment I experience an upset or cause for concern, real or imagined, I confront them. If they do not act the way I want them to, I end the relationship. I am gone.  They’re dead to me. This has cost me a lot of friends.

This is just a basic example of what I do:

I send them a text or email which is filled with love and the Kiss of Death.
I erase them from all my communications, Facebook, phone etc.,
When I see them around, I ignore them.
I don’t want to know anything about them ever because I’ll get upset.
Whenever I think about them and have unresolved emotions.

This is what I am left with:

Friends that I have ignored or mentally killed off.
Friends who even if they wanted to be in communication, cannot reach me they’re blocked or ignored.
I have am upset, angry and miss my friends.
I am left with longing with memories of great friends and times that are no long present in my life.
Continuous conversations and stories about what happened or did not happen.

What I’m already being is:

Stubborn – I’ll be dammed, l’ll no longer communicate with them.
Justified – They are wrong, I am right.
Angry and pissed off – To hell with them!
Sad and replaying memories– I’m stubborn and I will not surrender.  They have to say they are sorry first and confess the wrong they have done me.

In the end, what I discovered is that I need to accept my friends as humans. They are going to do and say things that I do not agree with.  Whatever happens in my friendships is not personal. I can accept them anyway they are and are not. I realize what was missing is: vulnerability, integrity, love, patience, kindness and graciousness.

I took on what was missing in my life and what I saw was the piles up upset feelings I created for myself and for my friends.  I realize that this way of being is not who I want to be in my life. I proceeded to call my friends and send email to them and one by one.  I put the integrity back in my life and my relationships by sharing my experiences and how I felt about our relationship.  I let them know I could be counted on going forward.

The response has been great. They got to share how it was for them being on the other end of my stuff (crap.) For those I spoke on the phone with, I have declared that I will clean up with them in person as well.  I shared with them what was there for me, what had me kill off the relationship and how the fear of being told what to do, of being wrong, judged and evaluated, actually impacted our friendship.  I had no compassion for my friends and was being a spoiled brat. The person who was being hard on me was me.

Going forward, my friends get to choose powerfully if they want to engage in a relationship with me from nothing.  I get to accept them as they are and as they are not. If I cannot accept them how they are, then I have no right calling myself a friend.  I don’t have to make them wrong and me right.  This approach does not work. I am a Life Coach and create transformation in other people’s lives.  It was a young conversation which caused me to get reactivated and where I did not have language.  Well, I have the language now and I will use it.

With all that said, I want my friends to know that I love them. I am transforming my old friendships into friendships where I have understanding and communication, where I will be being vulnerable, loving, gracious, and kind. They get to be however they are and choose powerfully if they wish to be friends with me. Together, we create relationships that work.  With that I no longer have to experience fear of loss, upset or some impending hurt.  Whatever way my friends choose to be is fine.

Where in your life are you willing to take action and reclaim your friendship with people you have killed off by giving them The Kiss of Death?

Love, Noreen Sumpter