Do You Know How To Protect Your Heart?

Photo by Katerha
Photo by Katerha

As a Confidence Coach, I believe setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of yourself, your heart and not allowing this get twisted by people comments, thoughts or feelings about you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to you and to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
I coach my clients to you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how they feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings and you know that you are not your feelings you have feelings and they can change from situation to situation, moment to moment. By affirming your feelings it allows you to  take responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self-ownership, allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Some people might say that setting and having boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. So they are set boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy,give people choices and allows you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do, by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion has you

create outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life. How well do you set boundaries?  

Own The Bitch Within

“What a Bitch!”   “I cannot believe she’s so Bitchy.”  “She is one hard Bitch.”

Have you noticed when a woman is confident and feels truly good about herself, knows what she wants, has clear concise boundaries and is developing her personal power in a healthy way, she is often referred to as Bitch. Some of her friends might even say things like “she has changed.”  Of course she changed.  Everyone changes over time.

Who wants to stay the same? Who wants to remain ignorant and insecure?  I don’t think any woman wants that.  Life is a series of choices and so we change.

It is time to stop seeking external validation, by being “nice”, living in guilt, feeling afraid, being people pleaser, or by downplaying your needs and by putting yourself last. It’s time to own your personal power and deal with yourself by:

•    Owning the Bitch Within
•    Learning to be Selfish
•    Going for your desires
•    Playing a bigger life game
Bringing forth your personal power

The word Bitch might have negative connotations; but in some areas of life if you’re a woman on a mission and up to big things, at some point you will be called a bitch to your face.  But more often than not, it’s behind your back.  It’s important to become okay with yourself the way you are and not feel you have to defend yourself against stupidity.

Gossip, is a part of life. When people don’t know you they will make up all kinds of stories about you until they find out the truth.  I have a saying, if no one is talking about you, you really not up to much.  But, when you’ve learned to deal with fear and yourself, the term bitch, will no longer have control over you.  You’ll experience major growth and personal power.  Then any comment made about you, will no longer produce a negative feeling or result, it will be like water off a ducks back.

A Woman Owning the Bitch Within

In order to love the bitch within, you have to know and own that bitch.  In this blog,  the bitch I’m referring to is a strong, confident loving person that has healthy boundaries.  She knows that nothing is personal.  This Bitch accepts herself for all she is and all she is not.  She is grateful for her mind, potential and life and is willing to create anything she wants to experience. She knows that mistakes are a part of the journey of growth and development.  She knows that nothing is ever really wrong.  She is 100% responsible for her life, the way it is and the way it is not.  She is open to living a joyous life knowing that things happen for the greater good.  She knows she has choices and can complain, or be a victim in a continuous cycle of negativity and righteousness.

Learning to be Selfish

This Bitch she is very selfish.  However, the reason why she is selfish is because she knows she does not come from a deficit in any area in her life.  She is abundant in her way of being.  She gives 100% because she coming from a place of self-love, abundance and generosity.   Self-love is a heartfelt experience.  This is not the kind of Bitch that is aggressive and negates other people’s rights.  She is empowered and thus empowers others.  She is willing to take responsibility for her life and gives up making excuses.  This is not the kind of selfishness that does not care about the effects of her actions on other people.  This Bitch is not aggressive or controlling.  Being Selfish means that you make sure that you are taken care of. When you are completely taken care, you have an abundance of self to give away.   When you say yes, you mean yes.  When say no, you mean no. There is no questioning of choice.  Everything is sent out for the highest good and everyone receives the highest good back.

Going for your desires

This bitch goes for, knows and asks clearly for exactly what she wants.  She also knows that clarity is one of the keys to having it all, so she does not settle for less than what she wants.  She also knows that if she has the right to go for her desires, so does everyone else.  She knows that the universe is abundant.  Being fulfilled in all of her desires is important. Her desires are important.  She will ask as many times as it is necessary to get what she really wants.  She knows when she stops asking for her desires, it not that she cannot have it.  It’s that something better has shown up and taken it place. Desires are continuous and so we keep on asking until old desires are met and new ones are created.

Playing a bigger game

This Bitch knows that playing a bigger game in life does not have anything to do with size or amount, it means being authentic and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings.  Having the freedom to live one’s dream.  Being happy with her choices so that her energy can be directed where she would like it to be.  She believes in herself and she believes that all things are possible.  She knows to achieve the life she wants.  Believing in herself is a choice.  It’s an attitude that she has developed for herself overtime.  She does not blame her family for the hand that she was dealt, or the race, physical size or class that she was born into. She knows that she is responsible for her own concepts and she can change them.  Her game in life is personal to her and no one ever has to agree or want to play.  She is okay about other people’s opinions, as she knows their opinions are none of her business.

Bringing forth your personal power

The Complete Bitch has personal power.   She needs no reason, she just is.  It is her very own.  The Bitch that I speak of knows that if she is going to be successful in her life in her own right. She knows that it’s the way she handles herself and owns the Bitch within.   Personal Power is within us to create the lives we want.  The life we dream about and the life that we were born to live.  You have to claim your personal power.

What would you life look like if you owned the bitch within and gave up complaining? If you took responsibility and started being a woman and owning the Bitch within? I invite you to add your comments in the box below.

Self Accepting Promise

Accepting yourself is a big step, but it is the most important one of your life.  Affirmations are part of accepting yourself.  Go through your day and say “I accept myself” over and over again.  Keep saying it no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.  Eventually, it will start to break through and you will understand that you need to accept yourself.

Your assignment is to write a self-accepting promise.  Write down all the things you need to start to believe about yourself.  If you cannot think of anything, take all of the negative things you say about yourself and reverse them.  For example, “I will never find a good partner” to “I deserve a loving relationship.”  Here is my self accepting promise to myself:

Self Accepting Promise

I love myself and that helps me love those in my life and those who come into my life.

I will accept myself for all that I am and all that I am not.

I am beautiful, loving and kind.

I will not place judgment on myself or others.

My life is a contribution to the world.

Without me the world would not be the same.

I will never force love from another.

I am worthy of all relationships that honor me.

For, I am a woman of grace, dignity, courage and joy.

I am a reflection of life itself.

I respect myself and I respect others.

I love myself and so others love me.

I honor myself and so others honor me.

There is no other me ever.

I am compassion for myself and so others are compassionate with me.

I promise myself that I will always speak my truth with love.

I will be forgiving when I have forgotten who I am.

I will be compassion.

I am power, success creative and abundance.

I am fully provided for.

I have fear but fear does not have me.

What is your self accepting promise? We invite you to comment below.

You Can Become An Olympic Champian

“But right now, I have no goals; I’m just like a bum.” Usain Bolt.

They came, they conquered or were conquered.   They all achieved their goals, some will play again.  Some will never compete at this level again. Some will go onto to train others by giving away what they have accomplished becoming coaches or leaving the sport of their passion entirely.    However, all of them are winners in their own right.

Michael Phelps, is still the fastest man in water, and now to add to his list of accomplishments breaking the all-time Olympic Medal record.  The old record was 18.  The most medals were won on land by a gymnast, Larisa Latynina. Michael record was won in the water with 19 medals.  Her record took 70 years to win. Michael’s record, who knows where or when it will be broken?

Phelps came and accomplished everything he and his Coach Bob Bowman set out to accomplish.  His coach put him through many rigorous tasks.  His coach readied him to be able to swim blind only being able to count his strokes in previous last Olympics.  Who knew?

The fastest man in the world “All Day Everyday” Usain Bolt ran for 36.84 seconds for the 100 meters.  What makes Usain Bolt so amazing?  Well, he has all the physical skills possible to attain his goal.  Actually the bigger question is what makes anyone of these athletes so amazing and powerful?  Yes they have the drive.  They’ve developed the skill, and they have the passion.  There is one thing that they also have.  They have coaches. Their win is also their coaches win.   They have coaches that help them plan what’s next.  The coach is in the background.  Very rarely is the coach in the foreground.  However, the drills that get done, the practice over and over again are planted and take root in the athlete mind, bodies and action are planted there by their coaches.  The Coach,  who each and every one of the players love and respect.  Their coaches are the muscle behind the curtain.

A coach will go to any length to train you to be number on in your level of performance. A coach will stretch you in ways that you can never stretch yourself.  Your coach is able to have you be all and more of what you want to be; always in the background, knowing your game, making sure that you know your game.

Usain Bolt has conquered all his current goals.  He came to be a legend and he is now a legend.  He say’s pertaining to what’s next for him “Right now nothing. I’ve done what I wanted to do. My coach and I will discuss what we need to do. But right now, I have no goals; I’m just like a bum.”

“I’ve done something that no one has done before, which is defending my double title,” Bolt said. “Back to back for me, I would say I’m the greatest.”  So would say that kind of confidence is arrogant.  I would say that is a person that knows what he came to do and did it despite the media comments.  He fulfilled on the measure.  Confidence is something that gives you a sense triumph.  A Coach is someone that makes you triumphant.

What do all of these Athletes have in common?  Yes, they have coaches and they take the coaching. The coach keeps them out of their head and in the game.  Who keeps you out of your head and in your games in your life?  When things are not working, or working the way you want them to do?  What do you do? How do you win in the games that your create for your life?  Do you quit at the slightest incongruence? Or do you just give up at the mere thought of what you think will take place?   Who helps you build the weak muscle in areas of your life that you would like to transform?

Having a coach will help you transform old patterns and limiting behaviors.  Find out more and read my testimonials of the successes that I have helped my clients accomplish and more.
•    What area of life are you tired of recreating over and over again?
•    What is the result that you’re not getting?
•    Are you waking up exhausted at the mere thought of another day being unfulfilled?
•    What are the wants, needs or desire that are not being fulfilled?
•    Are you doing the same thing over and over again looking for a different result?

Take Action! Get a coach that can have you be accountable and have you develop the confidence to go after your very own personal Olympic dream.

Creating Boundaries for Great Sex

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.
So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.
If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.
Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off

Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?
What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

Who do you think you are?

Last week we were talking about defining your own sexuality. I asked you ” who do you think you are?”. It wasn’t meant to be asked in a tone with attitude. It is more of a definition of your sexuality. Its the kind of who do you think you are that rocks your boat.  This question has you get up in the morning and look forward to your day.   It’s the kind of question that when you think about it your mouth salivates, your fingers itch and you cannot wait to get share how you feel. That is the kind of who do you think you are that is interesting. 

The sad thing is that many of you have had the “who do you think you are” beaten out of you. When the question gets asked of you, you find yourself shrinking, experiencing confusion and feeling put out. Very few of you can answer this question and get excited about sharing.  Most of you were taught not to brag about yourselves or your interests. It is as though you never got emotionally feed. You had to find ways feed yourselves which kept many of your interests squashed.

So what happens when you feel squashed? Many of my clients experience a hard time going after what they desire.  They are good at their jobs. They have successful businesses and make money, but when it comes to their personal needs, they gets put on the back burner of their life.  They have a hard time going for what they want for fear of not getting it right.  Adults need to get things right which in turn gives them no freedom.    

Their dreams can get so clouded over they don’t know what they want for themselves and their lives. They have a hard time asking for help and support and don’t believe that they can get it.  They feel that something is wrong with them if they seek support. Many don’t believe they deserve help and will sabotage their successes by not doing the work.  However, when this becomes clear, they are able to flourish. They sabotage themselves because they are always the person doing the helping and are confused and frustrated when they need the help.  All this confusion and fear kick in. 

Most of all you are afraid to go after what you want. You are so afraid that you will be less attractive, seen as aggressive, and in some cases odd, if you go after what you want with fervor. You fear you might will be all alone Andes a result, you worry so much that you can’t have a life of fun, happiness or a find a life partner. 

It is important to really think about who you think you are.  What is important to you?  It is important to gain clarity and live in a world that you create for yourself with your rules.  When you know what is important to you and take the steps to develop the confidence to go after it, you will be confident in the world of who do you think you are.   Also, when you know who you are, you will learn that you are an evolving individual who can recreate yourself as often as you like.  If you feel that you’re sexy, hot, and the cat’s meow, you will be a bag of chips and all that.  Furthermore, your way of being will echo into the world.   Who do you think you are?  Think about it and be it.  
 

Are you sexy, hot, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips?

Are you sexy, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips? If you cannot answer this question openly, you might have an issue.  If you think the statement is presumptuous, then you might have an issue. If you agree with this statement, you might have an issue with others.  But do you care?   I think I am all that and a bag of chips.  I went out with a male friend of mine the other night. When I walked in the door, he said to me “ You look sexy tonight.”  I replied with “I am sexy all the time.” He asked me who said that.  I replied I did.  He then said, “You’re not sexy until I tell you are.”  I laughed.  I also told him that “I am like a self-cleaning oven and I self-validate.”   We laughed. I’m sure for different reasons.  I, for my ability to self-valid, and he for God only knows what.  What I do know is you can be as sexy as you choose. 

Are you sexy, hot, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips? Take a minute to think about that question and let it infuse on your mind. Then answer this. Who do you think you are?  This question is not meant to be taken in a negative way with judgement and a lot of tone. What I mean is who am I speaking to? Who are you intuitively? Do you have the confidence to say it proudly?  Is who you are so clear you don’t even have to say anything? It is clear to everyone and gets reverberated back at you in life. 

Did you ever experience a day when you’re being so sexy that you hear it whispered in the wind? It’s just who you are in that moment.  You are the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips. You know who you are. 

So who do you think you are can be translated as  I am a woman, I am black, I am tall, I am English, I am a Confidence and self-esteem coach, daughter of Mr. and Ms. Johnson,  5’8.   Who do you think you are has nothing to do with any of those statistics.  That is not the kind of who do you think you are that I am even remotely interested in. However, that is not to say that those descriptions are not interesting.  They are the kinds of facts that you share with people when you first meet them.  Somewhat boring and mundane, not the meat and potatoes of whom you are. 

The kind of who do you think you are that I am interested in an inside job. 

What do you love about your life?

What are you passionate about?

What are you interested in?

What do you want to be remembered for?

What are you proud of?

What do people say they love about you?

What contribution have you made and to whom?

What’s one thing that no one knows about you that you wish they did?

What are you willing to share about yourself?

What are you afraid of?

What’s the most courageous thing that you have ever done for another?

Next week we will talk about what these answers mean to you and how you can answer them everyday in all of your actions.

What happens when you are secure in yourself

When you are secure in yourself, your thoughts and ideas are great because you know intuitively that you don’t have to defend anything about yourself.  You thoughts, ideas and dreams are yours and they will never be the same as anyone else’s.  You know that no one has to agree with what you think as you are empowered.  However, the areas of your life where you are not empowered and lack confidence are the areas where the thoughts, beliefs and ideas are not your own. You seek validation or you get upset, angry and downright nasty, when you feel challenged.

Whenever you feel challenged and have to defend something about yourself, try this question on for size – “If I were a man would I have to defend myself for my thoughts and ideas”.   Now, I am not saying become a man in any way shape or form.  The question I am asking is “Why do I feel I have to defend my ideas or thoughts?”  You never have to defend anything. Did I say “anything” about yourself? You are perfect just like a rose. You have thorns. But just because you have thorns, when you feel them coming out, (unless it is an emergency and someone is physically attacking you), you need to take a look at why the thorns are coming out.    You never have to make an excuse of being disgusted with the way your life is going or not going.   When something is not working for you change gears. Look it square in the face and say,  “Fuck it, this will not do.  I desire something different.” Stop doing what does not work and choose something else.  Do not worry about anything else. 

People can really say anything they want about you. They can ask you anything and you have the right to choose how to feel.  If you’re upset, you have the right to let off steam in a responsible way. However, bare in mind that something is going to change and you’re going to change it.  It’s important that what matters is what you say about yourself and how you transform your life.  Your occurring world is what is important and if it is not supported by positive thoughts, what you will be if you don’t feel secure, is defensive.   You have to be okay with you. Only you can choose, you have to be willing to take responsibility for your life and not be sorry for your choices when you realize who you truly are. Outside forces are irrelevant because you are not your circumstances, you have circumstances.  We need circumstances in our lives.  What you need to do is give yourself a goal. You must be specific and clear about your target, as without one you will never feel secure and you will never get on the road.

What would you have to hear for you to accomplish your goal? In some cases it could be you have the job.  You have the deal. Yes, I’ll take that one.  Whatever it is that you have to hear, will be the point when you have reached your goal.   I remember when I finished my coaching training.  All I wanted to hear as a coach, and what made me a coach, was when someone said “Yes I want to work with you. How much do I have to pay, and when can we start”.   That sealed the deal for me. 

No two people’s arrival point will be the same.  However, they will have to be secure enough to keep going until they hear what they need to hear.   So it is important to

·        Make a Choice

·        Set a goal

·        Start towards your Goal

So when you are secure in yourself, anything can open up and that “anything” will be yours. 

Flying By The Seat of Your Pants

You have a fear of something, so what do you do? What is your Trump card. By Trump card, I mean the way you behave when your back is up against the wall and you are being called to take action. Do you pretend and charge into denial? Do you hide out, stay out of communication and ignore calls? Do you shut down emotionally? Do you become defensive and get into fights? Do you strut around and tell everybody in your best cocktail voice that its’ marvelous darling, or do you speak in your loudest voice and assert that you are fine? Or do you just get colloquial say “I got this” when you don’t have anything? The best one yet is that you’re okay and that you do not need any support.

Then something out of the ordinary happens- you lost a job, a relationship, your money. Flying by the seat of your pants does not allow you to make real commitments. This lack of commitment has you live in the place of fear which has you isolate yourself from your feelings and disconnect you from people. A side note about feelings, I want you to know that feelings are fleeting. They come and go like clouds.

Your Trump card is how you have been being for a long time. With your way of being, you are not aware that it is destroying things that are important to you. Using any one of these actions is surely a way of destroying relationships. I have had people tell me that they are not loveable and cannot be loved. They don’t want anyone to love them. They are not committed to anything or anyone when that kind of communication is launched into the world. They have all these beliefs tied into ways that can be loved, like how long they know you. They just have limiting beliefs about love that only makes sense to them. Furthermore, when I say world, I mean the persons individual world where is occurs as though their putting seeds on a Formica counter top and demanding it grow without the right conditions. Their commitments cannot grow, they cannot form relationships and they are never present. They are like drifter’s on the planet not experiencing life’s wonderment, and they wonder why life is not going the way the want it to. They become upset, and people who love and support them find themselves working hard to support these people without anything coming back. Their actions are not personal. It is just difficult to be with these people. It just take waiting for these people will one day take themselves off the Formica counter top and plant themselves in the earth. Figuratively speaking.

With that fixed way of being, one cannot fully experience anything that life has to offer. Commitments become hard to accomplish. Fear of failure can be a fixed way of being that has you fear anything that calls for you to put yourself into action. Your internal conversations that you are constantly creating show up all the time. Thus you win at the game of being unlovable. So what shows up are people who also feel unlovable which creates more of the same in your life. This leaves you with a feeling of not being present to what is possible in life. Fear as is common to everyone. False Evidence Appearing Real.

What is your trump card? Your way of being that comes up for you when confronted or experiencing fear?

Do you have commitments that you fear?

Do you find yourself making commitments and avoiding them?

What are the limiting beliefs that are always stopping you in your life?

Are you flying by the seat of your pants with no plans?

Do you really know what possible for you in your life?

Do you have a fixed way of being that cause you to be fearful and you would like to shift it?

RESPECT, Give Yourself Some

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take care, TCB

This is a just a few words from the song made famous by Aretha Franklin.  In order for her to have written this song, she must have had it up to her eyeballs with the lack of respect.  We all love the song because of it catchy little melody and because it resonates for most of us. 
 
Well, respect is a really important desire for all of us.  It is something that makes all of our relationships work well.  It also makes us feel comfortable and gives clear boundaries when we know that we’ve got it.  I think that respect is very important because it’s given or felt by each toward the other; mutual: reciprocal respect.  I like when I have reciprocal respect for my fellow human.  It just feels good.  It helps me understand the natural boundaries that we’ve created.  It also allows me a sense of freedom, because I know how far I can and cannot go with the person and it lets them know about me. 
 
What I cannot understand is when we do not honor our personal word.  We cannot, for whatever reason, follow through on our own word.  We cannot and do not complete actions that were started.  It is very confusing and frustrating.   I often wonder how we do business with a sickly word.  A word that resembles Diarrhea.  Diarrhea describes bowel movements (stools) that are loose and watery. Just like our words, loose and watery, with no substance to it at all.  Appointments get made with no intention of following through, saying yes when you mean no, having no follow through.  I know that when we behave in this manner, we really do not understand or might not even feel the impact of our word on another.  I also know that this kind of behavior is not personal.  As what we are in this manner is what we are all the time. 
 
Often times, this form of integrity diarrhea is so common, that we do not understand the sometimes serious affects we have on others in the sense of their time and their money.  

They do not know that one could consider a very quick remedy just like an over the counter medicine that can cure sometimes in an instant or in a matter of a few days. Consequently, the verbal integrity, can be cured with just one quick action like a phone call or an apology or whatever shape it takes the cleaning up the mess would take.
    
A question is what would have you be out of integrity and have it linger longer than is necessary? 

What kind of fear or neglect would have you shut yourself down? 

What does it feel like when you encounter the person again? 

What is the fear that has you not honor your word or integrity?

The big question is why you would continue live in this kind of messy situation?  

I have taken a good look at my level of integrity, and I have found that in the past I was not even aware of how it impacted others. I was totally unconscious of this behavior that I had become an expert in. However what is I now is that if I am out of integrity
I get it upset if I consciously ignore my word. 
I get sick to my stomach and I feel jittery
I do not feel good about myself. 
I erode my sense of personal trust
How does it make you feel? 

I have now developed a relationship to being my word and integrity to myself, regardless of the pain I might experience. What I have found is I feel so much better in my communication and all things get completed fully and I have room to do excellent business, am an excellent friend and live life openly and honestly.  I feel a sense of empowerment and I realize that nothing is ever that wrong and failure is an opportunity to win and win big.
 

Do You Hate Part or All of Your Body?

I read an articles a while ago about a few women that had accepted their long struggles with self- acceptance. In the article the women all had one aspect of themselves that they had difficulty with. They were from all races. Their issues ranged from their hair to the lack of hair due to cancer, to one having developed a sentimental relationship with her nose. Then there was a woman who had fell in love with her freckles. Then one described as beautiful Latina who questioned whether it was possible to fall in love with her pot belly. Then there was the African American woman who had issues with her natural hair. She grew up in a culture, were at 13-14 her hair was straightened. Regardless, of whether it is a nose, hair, pot belly and or freckles, there is always something to be overly concerned about.

Having read this article, what I know is that everyone has something that they do not like about themselves.

However, the person that intrigued and excited me the most; who for no fault of her own, was the woman who had no hair due to cancer. To me she was strikingly beautiful. Even though her cancer had passed and she had chosen to remain hairless (bald) because I can only imagine that she recognized her own beauty.

As a Personal Life Coach that focuses on confidence and self-esteem, I have had the experience of clients telling me that they hate some or all of their bodies, or they tell me that they harbor feelings of self-loathing. I have had a client tell me that she hated her hips. When I asked her what hating them was going in her life, with humor, I told her that I have a large pair of scissors (she was on the other end of the phone). She giggled. As our relationship developed over time, she discovered that her self-loathing had nothing to do with her hips. The hips were just where she had the placement of herself loathing, something to blame. It was more about not talking and expressing herself in her life that was fulfilling. What she discovered with coaching is that people who are not actively participating in their lives usually end up feeding their self- loathing.

What she soon realized was the moment she sunk her teeth into something that was of interest and a commitment was forged, watch out world. There is no time for self-loathing. Once they start taking action, the hips, or whatever body part was the victim, starts to become less and less important and it starts to fall away. Hating your body part and making it a victim of your attacks and self loathing interferes with your growth process.

It’s Your Life not Mine, Take Responsibility For it

You’re the only person that is responsible for your life. In life, things happen. You meet different people and experience different events that impact your life that you might feel you cannot control. I am here to let you know that you are the only person that can choose what you do with those experiences. You can use your experiences as tools that are either empowering or dis-empowering, you get to choose.

It is your responsibility to choose what you do with the experiences in your life. “Your Life” not my life. Dreams you want have to be created and you need to take the next step figuring out the actions to take in order to materialize them. The actions steps are usually the most difficult and most rewarding.

It is important that you respond to the events of your life. It is also important that you consider the state of your affairs and decide what is working for you and what is not working. Ask yourself, what is missing and if it were present what would your life look like.

You have the power to take action. You have the power to change your circumstances. Please keep in mind that your circumstances are just that -circumstances and in time, with action, all circumstances change. The only difference is you either take action or remain inactive.

As a coach, I experience clients who live in their lives with a victim’s mentality, blind to their own magnificence. You say your childhood was not so easy and you grew up in an unhealthy environment. You feel weighed down by self defeating cycles. You feel powerless, undervalued, a loser, overwhelmed and the list goes on. Okay, so you had a malicious, hateful relationship or a spiteful co-worker who sabotaged you and got you fired. Yes, it is a bad circumstance and feeling. However, you cannot let that or any experience, take away your power! It is time to rise up. It is time to start being authentic. People who are effective do not stay stuck in the past. Do you want to be powerful?

Get real in your life, your relationships and your job. Take time to add fun, creativity and balance. Know that in your heart that you will survive. If you want a great life, you have no choice but to live. Successful people do not loiter in their past. Successful people learn from their past, take what they need and let it go. Their lives are lived in the present; they plan and create newly for their future. When things happen that they do not desire or like, they reach into their power and deal with the facts. With the facts they take full responsibility and sort out the situation in the way that gets constructive results that reflect their lives in a respectful, positive and self loving way.

Know that you are great. Rise up! Take responsibility for your life.

How to Overcome Fear and Limiting Beliefs

Fear is an emotional response to an impending threat or danger.  It is one of our most basic responses.  Most of the fears that we experience today in our society are imagined. We experience the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success.  All kinds of fears – many of which are attached to our belief systems.   

Photo courtesy of ia7mad

I used to have a fear of going to the movies by myself.  While I longed to go to the movies, I refused to go alone.  I had a fear of being molested by a man wearing a beige raincoat that was cinched at the waist.  This was something that I had heard as a child and added to my belief system.  How ridiculous!  However, as I grew older I realized that I had this fear of going alone, but I could not remember why.  It wasn’t until I accepted that I was afraid that I was able to see what my fear was, where it came from, and how it came to be. My older brother used to take me to the movies when I was younger and in order to keep us in line he would tell us about the old man in the beige coat that would take us away and do awful things to us. What I realized was that I had internalized a lot of that story and it followed me for years.  I was 30 years old when I finally went to the movies by myself.  Yep, 30 years old.  Some people might say that’s crazy. However, in my mind I was still young and very afraid. Consequently, that was what my limiting belief looked like.  It was an old condition that kept me from succeeding and going to the movies by myself.   
 
Limiting beliefs interfere with many aspects of our lives.  There are all kinds of limiting beliefs that stop us from succeeding. Fear of Failure is a huge limiting belief.  I recently had the opportunity to meet a woman who was raised middle class, but because of her experience attending a school with children who were not middle class, she developed the limiting belief of not deserving. Because her friends did not have, she stopped asking her parents for the things she wanted. She did not want to feel like a show off because of her nice clothes and her toys and gadgets.  If she did get something she used it at home and refused to wear clothes that were better than her peers.   

Fast forward into adulthood. Her limiting belief manifested into not having made enough money to live on.  She always squeaked by with just enough money for her basic needs, but never enough for extras.  As a result of her limiting belief, she has never developed the confidence to ask for the salary that she wanted and conditioned herself to not have any idea about the amount money she wants to make.  So she lives in a world of not enough and not deserving.   

Photo courtsey of _Blippo_

Limiting beliefs can show up in lots of different ways and if the limiting belief is something that you developed as a child. It grows up with you into an adult-sized limiting belief system. In order to succeed and clear your limiting beliefs, you have to submerge and focus your mind with positive thoughts.  You have to starting creating the reality you want.  You cannot for one moment allow old limiting beliefs to enter your mind and re-root themselves.  It takes effort, courage and knowing in your gut that limiting beliefs can be overcome. 

Make time for happiness

A good portion of women are too busy making themselves busy so they don’t have a minute to look at the true picture of their life.  They are too busy to call a friend or too busy to return a call.  They are too busy to be the yes that they said they’d be.  What is all this busy-ness?  We have a ton of technology available to us at the drop of a dime.  Literally a drop of a dime and yet we are way too busy.  Now the with cellphones less than half a yard away from your elbow inside your bag or pocket it remains impossible to return a simple call, to a client, a potential suitor, a doctor anybody.

Two happy girls

Well, you don’t understand, I am really busy.  How busy can you be?  Are you running a small country?  What is it that you are doing in your life that has you so busy that nothing has changed in the last 3 years? I have a running conversation with clients that say to me that they are too busy to do something that they say is important to them.  Important things like their friends, their health and wellbeing.  They want to date, fix their finances or change something in their life.  Well, what I say is you are not running a city or a small country.  For instance look at Rudy Guilliani, the mayor of New York City 1994-2001. Here was a man that was busy, running NYC, visiting other states and countries and still he still found time to have a wife and then cheat on her.  Now that’s busy.  If you not running a small city, visiting other countries having a marriage and an extra marital affair, you’re not that busy. Come on!

What’s really going on is that you do not have a system to manage yourself, and you do not have a relationship with your word.  How do I know this?  Well, I know this because when the conversation comes up about you being unavailable, not following up on your promises, and not being your word, then you get triggered.  You shut down become resigned.  Some of you might even become angry.  This is not a judgment; it is something that I have experienced.

If all the things that you say you would love to have or experience are really that important to you, then it is important that you carve out time for yourself.  There is more than enough time in the day to handle what it is that you say that you desire.  The first question to ask yourself is: Am I happy?  What’s happiness got to do with time? What has happiness go to do with anything?  Well, I have come to understand that people that are happy with themselves desire to remain happy.  They share.  They are often times enjoying the work that they have chosen for themselves.  They are busy, but they are organized.  It is this kind of happiness that is important to them.  They do not want anything to interfere with their happiness.  So they make the time to do the things that is important to them and schedule time to handle all the other things.  They are happy and they want to share it with friends so they create time to talk with friends.  They are not interested in getting sick so they will create time to go to the doctor and keep a handle on their wellbeing.  They have created structure to keep on doing the thing that they enjoy doing.

 

 

 

Happiness is something that one can do for oneself. However, it is something that is better shared with another.  When you are happy in your life you become aware of whom you are.  So if you desire a deep relationship with another person, it’s important that you become aware of yourself.

The comments above are not here to make you feel wrong or written as a judgment.  I have written them as a way to have you look inside and understand that sometimes you are not aware of what you’re doing or how it impacts your life and the lives of the people you say are important to you.  It is important to see them so that you can realize how important it is to learn to concentrate and focus your mind where you choose.  You can elevate your thinking and your choices to a higher ideal rather than just merely having a view or no view at all and remain stuck thinking that your business is real and you have no time.   Then when people say that you are not managing your time or you wasted their time being busy, you don’t find yourself feeling attacked or defending yourself.

It is as though you are too afraid to take a minute to just sit down and smell the roses.  Many  women have discovered the age old art of making themselves wrong so they have something to distract them from just taking a minute to sit down and reflect.  Happiness appears as this elusive thing they are searching for.  Some are looking for it in the arms of the next lover before completing with the last one.  Some are looking for it at the end of the credit card in the next pair of designer shoes.  This is not a judgment.

What I do know is that a lot of woman are really craving, desiring and would like to have the kind of happiness that just makes you heart sing.  The kind of happiness that you feel when you are taking time out to do something that you really enjoy doing, that ignites your passion and get your juices flowing.  No ladies, not that kind.  At least not at this moment;  I mean the kind of passion that I experience when I am riding my bike and the wind is whipping around my helmet and I see life’s pleasures like a flower that had just broken through the earth.

 

 

How to Feel More Secure

Security exists internally.  Most people look for security as an external experience.  They think it is either something or someone in the world that can give security to them and that makes them feel secure.  No one or nothing can make you feel secure.  Security is something that you give to yourself first.  Like most things, if you cannot give it to yourself then no one can give it to you.  Nothing or no one can give you the security you are looking for, so if you are seeking it in a boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage, money, none of these things can make you feel secure until you feel internally secure.

 

Image of Woman typing on computer

 

Security, acknowledgement, and praise are all individual personal feelings.  One of the only ways you can ever feel secure is by giving security to yourself. The love that you need, a sense of belonging, a feeling of safety in your world, being able to self-validate, acknowledging yourself and recognizing your own accomplishments are the gifts that you give yourself.  Ultimately only you can fill your needs.

 

Security is a sense of having something in your life that calls you, that is bigger than you are it pulls you, your attracted to it.  When you are secure in your life the petty upsets are small in comparison to what  you’re up to.  When you are secure you have projects, you are growing and you are not looking outside of yourself for love.  You don’t have unattainable rules in place to give you a sense of security.  You are busy loving you and loving another in that order. You are not looking for the person to love you.  You’re not looking for the person to call you to check in, or you are not waiting to hear the words I love you.  You are being I love you- it becomes your natural way of being and your experience of love lives freely.  That kind of love is not a demand that is practiced in a specific way of so many calls a week, so many hugs, keeping score of how many times the person says I love you. The bickering about who always says what first.   That kind of love is not secure and has no space for freedom in it and the joy is sucked out of the love in a way that causes insecurity and you can become shut down or anxiety driven.

 

Woman looking out window

 

When you are secure you have an experience of growth and expansion in your life.  Your view of the world is a bigger place and the feel of the universe is abundant you feel known. When you feel secure you are open, you share yourself abundantly, you are willing to take risks and you experience an opportunity to be who you really are.

 

Many people are on a mission to keep their world safe by not speaking up for themselves, or no speaking at all.  Feeling like they cannot trust anyone and always living in a space of fear.  Consequently, when you live in a space of fear your world gets smaller and you experience even more insecurity.  However, when you face your fears your world expands and you feel stronger and secure in other areas of your life and you discover that you true feeling of security exists when you can meet your own needs without being a demand for security from others.  Give yourself a life filled with happiness where security is your own responsibility and what comes from others is a blessing that is received with gratitude.