“Citius, Altius, Fortius” or as they say in Hip Hop “Go Hard”

The spirit of the Olympics is tantamount to life.  I love the commercial that says “Luck does not get you to the Olympic games.  You can’t wish your way onto the podium.  you can’t buy it or hope for it. It is not enough to dream about.  Luck did not get me to London, I swam here.” http:/You have to believe in yourself enough to take action.

I watched the Fab Five, McKayla Maroney, Kyla Ross, Aly Raisman, Gabby Douglas and Jordyn Wieber, dominate the Olympic team finals.  In an interview, it was clear to me that the Fab Five was clear about their future.  They believed in themselves.  And today, they are at the Olympics.  They’ve won the gold and fulfilled their dreams that were created when they were children watching the olympics.

The Olympic motto is Citius, Altius, Fortius, a Latin expression meaning “Faster, Higher, Stronger”. Baron Pierre de Coubertin’s founded the International Olympic Committee (IOC) in 1894. Ideals are further expressed in the Olympic creed: The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part.  Just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.

How did all of these athletes make it to the Olympics? They believed in themselves.  They had people who believed and stood for them.  They created their work, did the work, believed in themselves and acted upon their dream.

If you are waiting on someone to give you what you want, then you are not taking responsibility for your actions. You must accept that you are turning over your power to another person.   Where are you waiting for something to be to your liking? Do you get yourself upset because your boss has not given you what you want?  Your partner does not want you to be you? Your money is not the way you want it to be? Take the initiative and start believing in you.  It’s is up to you to increase your productivity and improve your performance.   Everything that you want is already in your own hands.

Be willing to give yourself permission to do what you want with your life.  What are the things that you could do that are necessary, keeping in mind that your life in not linear? There are a lot of things that have to be done so that you can have a full life while pursuing your dreams. Relationships have to maintained, money still has to be made, work still has to be done, food still has to be eaten, bodies and health have to be taken care of, fun still has to be had, vacations to be created. (You can’t forget vacations.)  There are no real excuses for not living your dreams, only the excuses you make up that stop you from taking action. There are still, and will only ever be, 24 hours in the day and what you do with them is entirely up to you.

Now you know that life is not linear.  Blaming people, places and things for your inability to take action on the things that you want is your way of saying and believing that you cannot have what you desire.  Making others wrong for sharing their thoughts and feeling is you not taking responsibilities for what is important to you.   In life, your timeline does not have to agree with anyone else’s.  Just because timelines, thoughts, feelings and agreement are not in alignment with yours, does not mean the other person is bad or wrong. All it means is it’s different.  Different is never bad or wrong.

Check in with yourself. Are you holding yourself back?  Hiding who you really are? Pretending to be something other than who you are?  Not sharing yourself and what is important to you?  Feeling fearful hurt upset and living in the past while pretending you’re present?  Believe in yourself and remember, you are the captain of your ship and any success you desire truly comes from you. Citius, Altius, Fortius Faster, Higher, Stronger. Or as they say in Hip Hop Go Hard.

How are you going to be Faster, Higher and Stronger? We invite you to share your ideas in the box below.

Slowly Down The Fat Hill I Went

When people hear the story of weight loss they only see the final result.  They get all wrapped up in the final goal, and forget that any change is a journey of self discovery.  They get discouraged by the pace of change and criticize themselves if the process is not fast enough.  But I want you to know it is a slow journey.
When I started, slowly down the fat hill I went.  It was a very high and steep hill.  I had no idea how high or how steep my fat hill was.  However, when I heard my legs in stockings rubbing together and making a sound like mice whispering in a chip bag, I knew it was time to release some fat. So I started off on my journey on the walk down the fat hill.
If I did not choose to slowly walk down the fat hill, I would have ended up rolling down the fat hill and God only knows what kind of injury I would have sustained.    Well, slowing walking down the fat hill, I realized that I needed some support.  I could do it, but I was unaware of what to do, how to do it and if I would have enjoyed doing it by myself.  Now, I am the typical lone ranger. I do things on my own and swear that I can.  But there are times when even a Lone Ranger, needs a Tonto. My first Tonto was called Lilli.

 

Lilli is my health coach.  She would call every week and we would just talk.  I was kidding myself really thinking that between the Nintendo WII and walking in the park I could make it happen.  In reality, i needed help because I had no idea how to help myself.  I knew I was overweight, but I had no idea about how overweight I was.  My fat was hard and tight and its address was 1 Round the Middle Avenue in the town of Back fat.   Anyway, Lilli and I would talk and share.

 

I decided to exercise by stalking a woman in the park one Saturday, and doing her routine. I was unable to keep up.  I decided it was time to get a trainer. So, in pops Dr. Evil.  Dr. Evil was posting flyers in the park.  He looked decent and I confronted him in my friendly manner and asked him what he was doing.  He was starting a Boot Camp and I took one of the flyers.  I called him a few weeks later and did his consultation.  He about killed me.  I never sweated so much in my life.  I sat on the monument in Fort Green Park and left a butt print.  OMG.  That was it, he was my trainer and the rest is history.
Before Dr. Evil, I could not do a pushup.  I could not run up the stairs. WHen I did I was  out of breath. Dr. Evil didn’t care he just said do it.  No small talk, no chat.  We worked out and I left.  He told me the goal was 1 lb a week.  I just grinned through my teeth.  Anyway, 1 lb a week it was consistently.  Today, I have a team of people who take care of me and support me to be my great self.  I never understood that before – how much asking for help can help me.  I have a health coach, a trainer, a therapist, a cleaning lady, a stylist, an assistant and an organizer.    In life there are things that we are just not good at.  My suggestion now is get the help, clear the mess and live a full life.

What is Your Olympic Size dream are you willing?

The Olympics are in my home town London. I could not be happier.  It is so exciting.  London has hosted the Olympic Games on two past occasions in 1908 and 1948.  Now they are hosting a third time starting in a few day 2012.  It is amazing.  The Games Begin July 27th @ 7:30pm.  The athlete’s I will be watching are Usain Bolt from Jamaica and of course Team USA.  Oops, I have been in New York to long, I forgot about my home town.  I will be watching my fellow country people from England.

Olympians are the modern gladiators of our time.  Every athlete dreams of attending but only a few and the best of every country make it.  It’s fair to say that the Olympics put added pressure on most of the athletes because it is held once every 4 years.  Since everyone wants to make it so everything is pressurized.  I love watching Gymnastics; I will be watching Gabrielle Douglas referred to as the flying squirrel.  She is quite remarkable. So young, so talented and bright the confidence of this young lady could like up any stadium.  I wish her talent to shine and a medal to procure.

What does it take to be an Olympian? Is it just training, their natural gifts or could it a certain kind of personality?  We don’t know.  You know they would have been breeding them genetically by now.  Is Talent is one of the many key components, as well as speed, strength, and endurance?  Yes.  But determination and a fighter spirit is one of the major components for success. I love this article about the 15 essentials of becoming an Olympian, according to Nick Catlin, a two-time Olympian.

What about passion? Where does passion come in? Well its important.  You have to love what you do. You have to be able and willing to invest the necessary amount of time it takes to be an expert in your event.  What does it take to do your best when the pressure is on?  When the pressure is on, being in the zone is where most athlete master their personal psychological skills that allow them to make a difference and be the best.  They have be able to recover from an error on a dime as a second of time could be the difference between a gold medal or being a person that went to the Olympics.  Athletes need to be in the zone, as do many of us who are in professions that call the management of self in a stressful or demanding situation.   It calls for years of practice to develop skills to operate at a higher level.  You have to be able to cultivate and have laser-like focus.

As with most things, as one learns, they realize it is not about being perfect at what you do. It is about being in the moment as life gives it to you. It is about not worrying about being perfect,  about past failures and looking at the scoreboard while in the moment.

If we went after our goals like Olympians there would be nothing we could not accomplish.  We would be able to accomplish our desires and goals consistently.  We can all be Olympians by adopting and using a combination of psychological skills that include visualization, setting a goal, focused concentration, being able to learn methods that can have you relax when needed and by being able to psych yourself up by using positive self-talk.  Use these methods in a consistent order and you can succeed.  In order to be successful, you need to managing your mind for success.  Once you were ready to accomplish your goal, all you would have to do is focus and let it happen.  Athletes have bodies and minds that are prepared to succeed and ready to go for gold. For the untrained goal setter, it is always the mind that gets in the way.  Are you willing to do the work?

Creating Boundaries for Great Sex

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.
So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.
If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.
Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off

Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?
What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

How to Avoid Downward Dating

For the past couple of weeks, we talked about downward dating – dating someone who is not at the same emotional or financial level as you. Here are some tips on how to avoid downward dating:

Remember downward dating unlike Downward Facing Dog Does not tone and strengthen your back. It can however give you great sex for 60 seconds and fabulous eye /arm candy. But, if you’re serious about having a relationship stay away at all costs.

Date people that have the same or similar kinds of interests.

Value yourself so that people will value you and if they don’t, you can walk away intact.

Give yourself permission to do what you desire.

Date people that have interests that interest or might interest you.

Take time to get to know people you date, but first take time to know yourself.

Date people that have similar values by finding out and asking those questions that freak you out.

Date people who value you making plans and can be honest about what they can and cannot do.

Date people that are flexible, will try new things and speak up about them.

Date people who can create and have with clear agreement with you.

Date people who will remember your successes in the relationship not your failures.

Breakdowns are opening for breakthroughs. Life without breakdowns is no life at all.

Date people and do your best and realize that dating is a process which can have you realize your humanness.

Date by expecting the best to happen and know that your will experiences triggers from you past.

Date with an open heart or else don’t date – In fact do your life with an open heart.

Improve the quality of yourself by being open to being fearless and free.

Ask yourself serious heartfelt questions, the one that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Have a look at your attitude and level of gratitude.

What do you like or dislike about your dating habits? Take a look. Don’t judge just investigate.

Get rid of your physical typing,the physical typing was created in your past by a very young you.

Stay in the present moment leave you past relationships in the past.

Live in the now date in the now.

Everyone, as we all know, is different and not everyone is compatible. So, it is important to realize if you cannot accept a person for all they are and all they are not, then you need to leave them alone. Maybe your date has not read a book in a number of years. Maybe they only eat what they was raised on and everything else is off limits. Or you’re a traveler and they’re a couch traveler. Your priorities are so completely different. You find yourself trying to plan things with them and they seem really keen, but when it comes time to commit to the plans, they disappear off the planet and your left wondering is this the same person.

Who do you think you are?

Last week we were talking about defining your own sexuality. I asked you ” who do you think you are?”. It wasn’t meant to be asked in a tone with attitude. It is more of a definition of your sexuality. Its the kind of who do you think you are that rocks your boat.  This question has you get up in the morning and look forward to your day.   It’s the kind of question that when you think about it your mouth salivates, your fingers itch and you cannot wait to get share how you feel. That is the kind of who do you think you are that is interesting. 

The sad thing is that many of you have had the “who do you think you are” beaten out of you. When the question gets asked of you, you find yourself shrinking, experiencing confusion and feeling put out. Very few of you can answer this question and get excited about sharing.  Most of you were taught not to brag about yourselves or your interests. It is as though you never got emotionally feed. You had to find ways feed yourselves which kept many of your interests squashed.

So what happens when you feel squashed? Many of my clients experience a hard time going after what they desire.  They are good at their jobs. They have successful businesses and make money, but when it comes to their personal needs, they gets put on the back burner of their life.  They have a hard time going for what they want for fear of not getting it right.  Adults need to get things right which in turn gives them no freedom.    

Their dreams can get so clouded over they don’t know what they want for themselves and their lives. They have a hard time asking for help and support and don’t believe that they can get it.  They feel that something is wrong with them if they seek support. Many don’t believe they deserve help and will sabotage their successes by not doing the work.  However, when this becomes clear, they are able to flourish. They sabotage themselves because they are always the person doing the helping and are confused and frustrated when they need the help.  All this confusion and fear kick in. 

Most of all you are afraid to go after what you want. You are so afraid that you will be less attractive, seen as aggressive, and in some cases odd, if you go after what you want with fervor. You fear you might will be all alone Andes a result, you worry so much that you can’t have a life of fun, happiness or a find a life partner. 

It is important to really think about who you think you are.  What is important to you?  It is important to gain clarity and live in a world that you create for yourself with your rules.  When you know what is important to you and take the steps to develop the confidence to go after it, you will be confident in the world of who do you think you are.   Also, when you know who you are, you will learn that you are an evolving individual who can recreate yourself as often as you like.  If you feel that you’re sexy, hot, and the cat’s meow, you will be a bag of chips and all that.  Furthermore, your way of being will echo into the world.   Who do you think you are?  Think about it and be it.  
 

Relationships Take Work

Thank God I can read. I am reading a wonderful little book called A Fine Romance, The passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage.  This book was written in the 80s, but it’s quite motivating. It describes how we experience life and relationships. 

Everything that is important takes work.  Your career, growing your money, your health, getting in shape, it all takes work. The book explains that you are conscious of all the work life takes, but are not aware of how much work it takes to be in a successful relationship. 

The writer is bloody right. When it comes to matters of the heart, I personally want my relationships to be thunder bolts and lightening.  I want it to be like a fantasy that happens in a Lifetime movie. My lover plants a gentle kiss on my mouth and my eyes shut and next minute, life cuts to me being married, living in the perfect house with the perfect life. The end.  Yeah!  Wake up.  Duh!  None of this is going to happen unless I work at it. 

Relationships takes work because the dating process takes effort. It is not just one step. You have to go through many steps: the dating process, the courting process, getting to know each other, being present with your feelings, thoughts and everything else in between.  Being confident enough go through the process of creating of partnership without getting aggravated requires you to discover what you really want in a relationship. In order to do that, you need to monitor your own behaviors.

What I discovered is there is a challenging universal structure to courtship.  In a nutshell, there are many experiences that can occur. You may one day feel ambivalent or you may have deaf stops where you only hear your own thoughts and ignore anything anyone else has to say. You also have the challenge of dealing with your own personal theories, worries, limiting beliefs and triggers, as well as a list of what your partner should and should not do. There are dramas within ourselves which relate to a complicated array of drives, feelings, expectations and assumptions. Each one determining our individual responses to love and relationships. All along the way, your self-esteem gets battered and bruised. Your confidence gets shattered and you wind up swimming in a world of unhappiness. Your feel like you are glowing one moment while in the next, you feel like an abandoned baby on the steps of a local church, not knowing what the hell happened.   

At times you feel ambivalent. One minute you dig the person and the next minute you wonder what you ever saw in them. Then back again.  Either you’re dumped or you’re dumping them out of exasperation and frustration.  One of the things to be excited about and to know is this is all a part of the relationship experience. It is normal. The important thing to remember is to build a solid foundation within yourself that is separate from the relationship. This will allow you to be like a rock that won’t be swayed by every step of the courting process. If not,  the fears of your past relationships will leach into your new relationships, whether your aware of it or not.

I had the liberty of dating a man I thought was wonderful. In the end, we did not work out. The main reason is because his old relationship filtered into my relationship with him. He may have left his last relationship but it did not leave him. How do I know that he did not truly get rid of his last relationship? He said he had the utmost disdain for his ex-live-in-girlfriend. As time went on, the same concerns and worries from his old relationship filtered into the relationship I was having with him. He had a fear of entrapment. His language was about me trapping him in a cage. He did not want to be in that same type of situation again so all relationships were scary to him. There was no opportunity for me in our relationship as his unconscious behavior made him behave as though all relationships were going to end in the same way. 

The book describes this as the fear of entrapment.  I made his anxiety worse. He feared being locked in an emotional cage. He thought when he was with a woman, he’d lose his freedom.  No matter what I said, it made no real difference.  It was over before it was even allowed to begin.

I could have felt bad about it. I could have blamed myself. But because of a healthy amount of confidence and self-esteem, I know that the end of our relationship does not mark me as a failure or a bad person. I know I can give and receive love. The end of a relationship is not a rejection of me and my worth as a person. It is not personal. It is a personal relationship but the behavior is not personal. The thing that is personal is the love I share in any relationship which I will continue to give freely.

What happens when you are secure in yourself

When you are secure in yourself, your thoughts and ideas are great because you know intuitively that you don’t have to defend anything about yourself.  You thoughts, ideas and dreams are yours and they will never be the same as anyone else’s.  You know that no one has to agree with what you think as you are empowered.  However, the areas of your life where you are not empowered and lack confidence are the areas where the thoughts, beliefs and ideas are not your own. You seek validation or you get upset, angry and downright nasty, when you feel challenged.

Whenever you feel challenged and have to defend something about yourself, try this question on for size – “If I were a man would I have to defend myself for my thoughts and ideas”.   Now, I am not saying become a man in any way shape or form.  The question I am asking is “Why do I feel I have to defend my ideas or thoughts?”  You never have to defend anything. Did I say “anything” about yourself? You are perfect just like a rose. You have thorns. But just because you have thorns, when you feel them coming out, (unless it is an emergency and someone is physically attacking you), you need to take a look at why the thorns are coming out.    You never have to make an excuse of being disgusted with the way your life is going or not going.   When something is not working for you change gears. Look it square in the face and say,  “Fuck it, this will not do.  I desire something different.” Stop doing what does not work and choose something else.  Do not worry about anything else. 

People can really say anything they want about you. They can ask you anything and you have the right to choose how to feel.  If you’re upset, you have the right to let off steam in a responsible way. However, bare in mind that something is going to change and you’re going to change it.  It’s important that what matters is what you say about yourself and how you transform your life.  Your occurring world is what is important and if it is not supported by positive thoughts, what you will be if you don’t feel secure, is defensive.   You have to be okay with you. Only you can choose, you have to be willing to take responsibility for your life and not be sorry for your choices when you realize who you truly are. Outside forces are irrelevant because you are not your circumstances, you have circumstances.  We need circumstances in our lives.  What you need to do is give yourself a goal. You must be specific and clear about your target, as without one you will never feel secure and you will never get on the road.

What would you have to hear for you to accomplish your goal? In some cases it could be you have the job.  You have the deal. Yes, I’ll take that one.  Whatever it is that you have to hear, will be the point when you have reached your goal.   I remember when I finished my coaching training.  All I wanted to hear as a coach, and what made me a coach, was when someone said “Yes I want to work with you. How much do I have to pay, and when can we start”.   That sealed the deal for me. 

No two people’s arrival point will be the same.  However, they will have to be secure enough to keep going until they hear what they need to hear.   So it is important to

·        Make a Choice

·        Set a goal

·        Start towards your Goal

So when you are secure in yourself, anything can open up and that “anything” will be yours. 

Flying By The Seat of Your Pants

You have a fear of something, so what do you do? What is your Trump card. By Trump card, I mean the way you behave when your back is up against the wall and you are being called to take action. Do you pretend and charge into denial? Do you hide out, stay out of communication and ignore calls? Do you shut down emotionally? Do you become defensive and get into fights? Do you strut around and tell everybody in your best cocktail voice that its’ marvelous darling, or do you speak in your loudest voice and assert that you are fine? Or do you just get colloquial say “I got this” when you don’t have anything? The best one yet is that you’re okay and that you do not need any support.

Then something out of the ordinary happens- you lost a job, a relationship, your money. Flying by the seat of your pants does not allow you to make real commitments. This lack of commitment has you live in the place of fear which has you isolate yourself from your feelings and disconnect you from people. A side note about feelings, I want you to know that feelings are fleeting. They come and go like clouds.

Your Trump card is how you have been being for a long time. With your way of being, you are not aware that it is destroying things that are important to you. Using any one of these actions is surely a way of destroying relationships. I have had people tell me that they are not loveable and cannot be loved. They don’t want anyone to love them. They are not committed to anything or anyone when that kind of communication is launched into the world. They have all these beliefs tied into ways that can be loved, like how long they know you. They just have limiting beliefs about love that only makes sense to them. Furthermore, when I say world, I mean the persons individual world where is occurs as though their putting seeds on a Formica counter top and demanding it grow without the right conditions. Their commitments cannot grow, they cannot form relationships and they are never present. They are like drifter’s on the planet not experiencing life’s wonderment, and they wonder why life is not going the way the want it to. They become upset, and people who love and support them find themselves working hard to support these people without anything coming back. Their actions are not personal. It is just difficult to be with these people. It just take waiting for these people will one day take themselves off the Formica counter top and plant themselves in the earth. Figuratively speaking.

With that fixed way of being, one cannot fully experience anything that life has to offer. Commitments become hard to accomplish. Fear of failure can be a fixed way of being that has you fear anything that calls for you to put yourself into action. Your internal conversations that you are constantly creating show up all the time. Thus you win at the game of being unlovable. So what shows up are people who also feel unlovable which creates more of the same in your life. This leaves you with a feeling of not being present to what is possible in life. Fear as is common to everyone. False Evidence Appearing Real.

What is your trump card? Your way of being that comes up for you when confronted or experiencing fear?

Do you have commitments that you fear?

Do you find yourself making commitments and avoiding them?

What are the limiting beliefs that are always stopping you in your life?

Are you flying by the seat of your pants with no plans?

Do you really know what possible for you in your life?

Do you have a fixed way of being that cause you to be fearful and you would like to shift it?

RESPECT, Give Yourself Some

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take care, TCB

This is a just a few words from the song made famous by Aretha Franklin.  In order for her to have written this song, she must have had it up to her eyeballs with the lack of respect.  We all love the song because of it catchy little melody and because it resonates for most of us. 
 
Well, respect is a really important desire for all of us.  It is something that makes all of our relationships work well.  It also makes us feel comfortable and gives clear boundaries when we know that we’ve got it.  I think that respect is very important because it’s given or felt by each toward the other; mutual: reciprocal respect.  I like when I have reciprocal respect for my fellow human.  It just feels good.  It helps me understand the natural boundaries that we’ve created.  It also allows me a sense of freedom, because I know how far I can and cannot go with the person and it lets them know about me. 
 
What I cannot understand is when we do not honor our personal word.  We cannot, for whatever reason, follow through on our own word.  We cannot and do not complete actions that were started.  It is very confusing and frustrating.   I often wonder how we do business with a sickly word.  A word that resembles Diarrhea.  Diarrhea describes bowel movements (stools) that are loose and watery. Just like our words, loose and watery, with no substance to it at all.  Appointments get made with no intention of following through, saying yes when you mean no, having no follow through.  I know that when we behave in this manner, we really do not understand or might not even feel the impact of our word on another.  I also know that this kind of behavior is not personal.  As what we are in this manner is what we are all the time. 
 
Often times, this form of integrity diarrhea is so common, that we do not understand the sometimes serious affects we have on others in the sense of their time and their money.  

They do not know that one could consider a very quick remedy just like an over the counter medicine that can cure sometimes in an instant or in a matter of a few days. Consequently, the verbal integrity, can be cured with just one quick action like a phone call or an apology or whatever shape it takes the cleaning up the mess would take.
    
A question is what would have you be out of integrity and have it linger longer than is necessary? 

What kind of fear or neglect would have you shut yourself down? 

What does it feel like when you encounter the person again? 

What is the fear that has you not honor your word or integrity?

The big question is why you would continue live in this kind of messy situation?  

I have taken a good look at my level of integrity, and I have found that in the past I was not even aware of how it impacted others. I was totally unconscious of this behavior that I had become an expert in. However what is I now is that if I am out of integrity
I get it upset if I consciously ignore my word. 
I get sick to my stomach and I feel jittery
I do not feel good about myself. 
I erode my sense of personal trust
How does it make you feel? 

I have now developed a relationship to being my word and integrity to myself, regardless of the pain I might experience. What I have found is I feel so much better in my communication and all things get completed fully and I have room to do excellent business, am an excellent friend and live life openly and honestly.  I feel a sense of empowerment and I realize that nothing is ever that wrong and failure is an opportunity to win and win big.
 

The Truth Will Set You Free

The truth they say will set you free. How often have you avoided saying what is true for you because you’re afraid of the consequences because they looked and felt uncomfortable? You don’t want to be uncomfortable so you refuse to tell your truth or the truth. When you deny yourself the truth, you lose the ability to keep it real. Keeping it real gives you the opportunity to accept things the way they really are. Keeping it real, frees up your energy mentally, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to go around feeling like Atlas (the primordial Titan who supported the heavens) with the world on your back. You’re free. The adage is “it’s like a world lifted off my back.” When you don’t tell the truth, you have the world on your back you feel stuck, unhappy, and angry and weighted down.

It is vital to tell your truths. Secrets kept over a period of time rob you of your power, freedom, full self-expression which in turn steals your peace of mind. Lying can cause all kinds of physical, emotional ailments, internal conflicts and depression? When you release yourself from the warren of lies you get to experience freedom in area of life that is important to you.

What untruths are you hiding? What resentments have you built up because of your deceit? What do you need for yourself or from another person? Would you be willing to make a commitment now to that when you have resentment and untruths brewing, instead of letting it brew you would you be willing take on the task of asking for what you want? What is the worst that could happen? Think about it. You could actually get a (yes) what you want or you could get a (No) refused. However, you will see that you did not die, and no one you cared about got hurt.

Sometimes the truth is not as clear to see as the behavior is. The behavior might be one that is carried out for a number of years. Resentments.

I had a resentment toward men. The resentment was so old it did not have a voice, it was all reaction based. It was created 3 decades earlier but lived out its practice in every relationship with everyman I experienced. The resentment I had been brewing toward my father. Please note that my father has been dead for over 2 decades. However, because I had never allowed myself to express the feeling at the time it happened, I carried it around with me unbeknownst to in the form of an action which limited my beliefs and impacted my life. The resentment lived as my truth. I had been destroying many relationships that were important to me. This behavior kept me wondering if I’d ever have a meaningful relationship with a man that would come into my life. Up to now, it had not been impossible. This left me being irritated, confused, inauthentic, angry, frustrated, shut down, lacked trust and unhappy in my relationships. I had a loss of power freedom and full self-expression that left me with no peace of mind.

I had a conversation with my sister about the love that I had for her and what she considered her dysfunctional family. There was a rift and I became committed to bridging the divide that had grown in my family. With the help of my sibling, I was going to transform the family. As I cried and shared with my sister, I started to remember lots of things. Some of which did not have language, just emotions. I started to remember some things that I had forgotten when I was sixteen living in Great Britain I has saved 350 pounds to start traveling. My parents where always people that complained and worried about money. The worry about money was constant, how they were going to pay the mortgage etc., the gas, electric etc., The truth of the matter was my parents always paid the bills because they worked and were pretty responsible. We never went without the lights or heat and we always had food. I always did my dancing classes etc., it was just a habit that they had for so long that that they did not know it was a habit. Anyway, I took my 350 pounds and give it to my father. Thinking that my father would appreciate my contribution, and think that I was amazing daughter who cared and was not selfish which is all I ever really wanted. I gave the money to my father in the green hallway of my house with its green carpet, and complimentary green wallpaper in front of our Victorian stained glass window and wood door.

Her father took the money. However, the story is I don’t remember my father ever saying thank you or even giving me a hug or saying anything. My father was old school. He did not hug children or play with them. I released the money with a deep sadness that I never expressed or voiced every again. I just swallowed my emotions around it. I was upset. My father did not even say thank you.

In that moment, I made up the story that I never really uttered aloud, that story became “all men do is take, take, take.” I had proof. This is what my father had done to me. This is what other men will always do. I knew in that moment that I could never depend on a man like I could never depend on my father. I would never find a man that just wanted to be with me. I would find me who would invalid me, take from and never contribute to me. I have lived my life believing this story that I had made up, attracting men to keep my story alive. Trying to date men who were opposite from her father. Not realizing that I could and never did ask the men I dated or even married for what I liked because I truly believed that they did not have and all they would do anyway was take take take. That became my reality, my truth.

After much work and development, I was able start dismantling this story I had been telling me self. It was not the truth. It was not the way it was. I gave my father the money, he did say thanks, but it was not in a way that I really wanted. I realized that I had created this story about myself and I had lived my life like a victim trapped inside a tinder box of my own making.

Not knowing and allowing myself to see my truth, I allowed my stories to sabotage my relationships.
On discovering this truth, I went to work on getting the relationship that I desired, I allowed myself to dream. I learned that I had to put the past in the past and create a new way of being that was going to propel me forward in my life. I created a trusting, open and vulnerable space to live from being free from control. Understanding and experiencing that vulnerability was not a curse, and that I did not have to eat glass in order to avoid vulnerability. Vulnerability was a part of living and living honestly called for one that experienced fear, which has one make changes in one life.

My client transformed her life and her relationships with men. She saw that she was surrounded with men, she loved men and what men brought to her life. She was unable to experience this feeling before because she was living her life through a filter that said that all men did was take take take. This was no longer true. She started dating one of the men that were already in her life who was right under her nose figuratively speaking. Being open, trusting and vulnerable, she became able to be the woman who she intuitively knew herself to be.

The relationship is open, honest and truthful. She is happy. She is happy in a way that she has never experienced before. The hardest lesson for most of people is telling themselves their personal truth. Being open about what is true for them. The truth will set you free and you can have whatever you want for your life when you accept it.

Do You Hate Part or All of Your Body?

I read an articles a while ago about a few women that had accepted their long struggles with self- acceptance. In the article the women all had one aspect of themselves that they had difficulty with. They were from all races. Their issues ranged from their hair to the lack of hair due to cancer, to one having developed a sentimental relationship with her nose. Then there was a woman who had fell in love with her freckles. Then one described as beautiful Latina who questioned whether it was possible to fall in love with her pot belly. Then there was the African American woman who had issues with her natural hair. She grew up in a culture, were at 13-14 her hair was straightened. Regardless, of whether it is a nose, hair, pot belly and or freckles, there is always something to be overly concerned about.

Having read this article, what I know is that everyone has something that they do not like about themselves.

However, the person that intrigued and excited me the most; who for no fault of her own, was the woman who had no hair due to cancer. To me she was strikingly beautiful. Even though her cancer had passed and she had chosen to remain hairless (bald) because I can only imagine that she recognized her own beauty.

As a Personal Life Coach that focuses on confidence and self-esteem, I have had the experience of clients telling me that they hate some or all of their bodies, or they tell me that they harbor feelings of self-loathing. I have had a client tell me that she hated her hips. When I asked her what hating them was going in her life, with humor, I told her that I have a large pair of scissors (she was on the other end of the phone). She giggled. As our relationship developed over time, she discovered that her self-loathing had nothing to do with her hips. The hips were just where she had the placement of herself loathing, something to blame. It was more about not talking and expressing herself in her life that was fulfilling. What she discovered with coaching is that people who are not actively participating in their lives usually end up feeding their self- loathing.

What she soon realized was the moment she sunk her teeth into something that was of interest and a commitment was forged, watch out world. There is no time for self-loathing. Once they start taking action, the hips, or whatever body part was the victim, starts to become less and less important and it starts to fall away. Hating your body part and making it a victim of your attacks and self loathing interferes with your growth process.