Last week we discussed what downward dating was. This week we will discuss its effects on both parties.
It is unfortunate but most of the recipients of downward dating love the idea of dating you. They love what you do, what you have but they subconsciously are frightened that you may not be interested in them. They are subconsciously don’t like what you are, as you represent all that they are not and this dredge’s up their insecurity. Downward dating people derive pleasure from you because it gives them an opportunity to inflate their already timorous ego.
They love what you represent, that you have an education and the social accoutrements or any other accolades whether earned, learned or born with. They love that you have your own money which is oftentimes, more than theirs. On the other hand, with downward dating there is no dedication. It’s just bragging which could later be at your mental expense and discredit.
Some downward dating partners are only capable of trying to break you down. The relationship is lop-sided. Your partner can become spiteful, downright nasty and mean spirited. Downward daters are for the most part only really interested in themselves and making you wrong. Their level of insecurity is very high. The experience of downward dating is one of insecurity and belief that internally that they don’t deserve something.
Downward daters will continual ask questions that you can’t answer in the way they want. “Why are you really interested in me” Duh, you’re interested in them because you like them. They cannot believe that and are extremely adamant that you’re not being truthful. They make statements like that you’re trying to use them They do not hear or listen to what is being said in a conversation. They only hear their internal conversation and make up things that were not being said or experienced. Downward dater is not based in reality. Downward dates and daters come in all shapes and sizes color and crude. This incessant dialogue is very dysfunctional. This is when you leave the interaction (Run now!)
Many people have downward dated at some point in their life. Even if you can fake amnesia and plead the 5th you’ve done it.
Here is my experience in downward dating:
I dated a man with less money then me. I knew upfront that he could not afford to attend a lot of the things that I invited him to, so I would foot the bill if I really wanted to go. I didn’t have a problem with sharing, but when my sharing became a problem, the relationship become uncomfortable. His ego, was getting a little roughed up about not having extra play money. I did not do it deliberately. If I was digging down into my savings or spending above my means, I would say something. Unfortunately, my guy had not mastered this concept, he had difficulty expressing his feelings about my money. Our relationship became increasingly difficult and it became progressively more difficult having certain conversations. So he proceeded to make me wrong. Eventually we broke up.
Today my opinion is if your venturing into a situation like this,you’re probably setting yourself up for failure. Work with me here, you have spent a number of years building up your education and that education has increased your socio economic standing only to find that you are not dating on an level playing field. You have little in common with them and furthermore they resent you for it. It is important to date with clarity. It takes time to get to know the people. It is also important that you give yourself time to get to know the people you’re interacting with and that you do not compromise your spirit.
I know many men and woman complain that they are sad and that they feel alone. Theoretically, we are all. Even in a relationship, amongst family, friends or in a group, we can feel alone. Alone, is a feeling, not our truth. The key is to accepting being alone is checking whether this is true for you. Then choosing what you want to do with what you know. Rejecting your findings that you are alone will not only make you feel better about being alone, it will prevent you from jumping into relationships that do not support your energy and what you are up to in your life. It is healthy to look at yourself with a critical yet compassionate eye so that you can make the decisions that only you can and will say are right for you. If you let lonely choose for you, you’ll be in a relationship that will have you whirling and not in a good way.
I hope you will join me next week for some dating tips.