Traits of the Successful: Create the Vision of your Ideal Self

As a coach, I have the opportunity to interact with hundreds of individuals. What I have found is that the people who are successful and fulfilled in their lives have a common traits.
– They believe their success has little to do with what they have, and more to do with who they are.
– They are committed to the kind of person they want to be.
– They step into their vision and are accountable for their behavior.

The quality of your life is determined by the way you play. How you play is based on what you believe about yourself. Consider that the beliefs you have, even if you are not conscious about it is the way that you are conducting your life.

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It is important that you create an ideal of yourself. First, create a vision of how you would like you and your future to be. Your picture has to be clear, depicting what you want in your life. It has to be so clear that all your senses recognize it as a source of what motivates you. Simply put, it has to be a powerful source that can support you when you feel disempowered and helpless. This vision has to keep your dream self alive and active.

Your ideal self is an attitude, a way of life that is worth going for. Your ideal self is a big, hairy, audacious goal (BHAG) bigger than who you are today. Your ideal self has all the traits of self confidence, self esteem, self value, and self reliance. Your ideal self is you at your highest and only point. Finally, you have to practice showing up in your life “as if” you are already this being.

Believe it or not, you possess both positive and negative traits. It is important to identify all your positive traits and expand them. Then in turn do the same with your negative traits and learn how to manage or discard them. Example, most people who consider themselves shy. Admire people who are outgoing and energetic. What they do not realize is that they too have these traits. However, they need to promote these qualities and expand them instead of feeding the negative traits.

It’s time to challenge yourself. Stop being a victim, and create your ideal self. It is time to rise up! Create an ideal powerful self. You’re no longer a child. Life is thrilling. Let’s live it.

– Look at the quality of your life.
– Acknowledge your level of happiness.
– Acknowledge your positive and negative traits.
– Decide what is working or not working.
– Look at what is missing in your life and what you want to keep, add or discard.
– Expand and gain new skills, knowledge and communications.
– Start a daily practice of your new traits.
– Have patience and take baby steps.

Don’t give up and remember Rome was not built in a day!

Looking Back on Your Past

This morning, I started my Vision for 2012, and I thought about all of you. Do you create a Vision for the new year? And how do you do it?

We often look back on the year and go over all the ways we failed. I wanted to do this but I failed. I was supposed to do this but I’m not good enough. Stop it! Would you put your best friend down like this. No! If you did, what type of friend would you be. Instead, think about what you accomplished in the different areas of your life. Write about it like you are getting an award. The idea is to look at your life as a review that would look like your own life commercial review. To give you an idea of what I mean, here’s mine:

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Personal Development

I have fully reorganized my business. I have registered into the Landmark Forum and am doing a program called ‘Introduction Leaders Program’. It is a developmental program where I get to develop myself as a leader. In this program I get to look at myself from a place of power and create possibilities that I can live into. I look at what is missing in my life not what is wrong and create a possibility that calls to me into action and has me transform areas of my life that are important to me.

Relationships and Dating

I am seeing a man. After not dating for nearly 2 years unaware of the length of time I had not been intimate. I am seeing an amazing man who is sexy, powerful, open, honest, smart, and generous who has a stand for mankind where fairness on the planet and in his homeland is important. I am having a level of intimacy, I have never known. I am sharing myself openly and honestly.

I am asking for support in my life. Support is full circle for me. I give. Now, I allow others to give to me.

I have allowed my nurturing qualities to unfold and I love it. It is no longer exclusive to children. It is open to everyone.

I am trusting that everything that I choose will and can contribute to my life and there are no accidents on the planet.

I have lost a few friends this year that I love and will always love. However, it was far too much work to continue to play with them. So I released them with love. I have reached out to my brothers, one of which is up to starting a relationship with me where we are family. The other is mad at me and wants nothing to do with me. I will continue to reach out. He is my brother my blood and I love him. I don’t have to agree with anything he does or does not do. I can agree to disagree and not make him wrong.

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Business and Career Development

I am growing my business; I have reorganized my business from the inside out and updated and upgraded all my prices. I have upgraded my skills and I am more in love with my business than ever before.
I continue to love the clients I have and I am ready to attract new clients.

Health and Well-Being

I have lost 25 lb.. and lost 2 dress sizes with the help of Gregg Barthelemy AKA Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil is one of the best things that have happened to me in 2011. He has not stood for any of my whining about the pushups that I could not do. I can now do 20 pushups, yes with struggle but I can do them. I am now a size 12. My goal is health and well-being is great and I am working toward being a size 10.

I am in great physical and emotional health. I am happy, I have been eating well. I still need to integrate water into my diet. I juice every day and I love it.

I have chosen vulnerability and I am in love with myself and love every part of who I am. I am looking throughout my life and ridding myself of old stagnant conversations that will be upgraded and ways of being that no longer serve my me or my life.
Looking back at the past year, you will see what you have accomplished and how far you have come.

How to Overcome Fear and Limiting Beliefs

Fear is an emotional response to an impending threat or danger.  It is one of our most basic responses.  Most of the fears that we experience today in our society are imagined. We experience the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success.  All kinds of fears – many of which are attached to our belief systems.   

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I used to have a fear of going to the movies by myself.  While I longed to go to the movies, I refused to go alone.  I had a fear of being molested by a man wearing a beige raincoat that was cinched at the waist.  This was something that I had heard as a child and added to my belief system.  How ridiculous!  However, as I grew older I realized that I had this fear of going alone, but I could not remember why.  It wasn’t until I accepted that I was afraid that I was able to see what my fear was, where it came from, and how it came to be. My older brother used to take me to the movies when I was younger and in order to keep us in line he would tell us about the old man in the beige coat that would take us away and do awful things to us. What I realized was that I had internalized a lot of that story and it followed me for years.  I was 30 years old when I finally went to the movies by myself.  Yep, 30 years old.  Some people might say that’s crazy. However, in my mind I was still young and very afraid. Consequently, that was what my limiting belief looked like.  It was an old condition that kept me from succeeding and going to the movies by myself.   
 
Limiting beliefs interfere with many aspects of our lives.  There are all kinds of limiting beliefs that stop us from succeeding. Fear of Failure is a huge limiting belief.  I recently had the opportunity to meet a woman who was raised middle class, but because of her experience attending a school with children who were not middle class, she developed the limiting belief of not deserving. Because her friends did not have, she stopped asking her parents for the things she wanted. She did not want to feel like a show off because of her nice clothes and her toys and gadgets.  If she did get something she used it at home and refused to wear clothes that were better than her peers.   

Fast forward into adulthood. Her limiting belief manifested into not having made enough money to live on.  She always squeaked by with just enough money for her basic needs, but never enough for extras.  As a result of her limiting belief, she has never developed the confidence to ask for the salary that she wanted and conditioned herself to not have any idea about the amount money she wants to make.  So she lives in a world of not enough and not deserving.   

Photo courtsey of _Blippo_

Limiting beliefs can show up in lots of different ways and if the limiting belief is something that you developed as a child. It grows up with you into an adult-sized limiting belief system. In order to succeed and clear your limiting beliefs, you have to submerge and focus your mind with positive thoughts.  You have to starting creating the reality you want.  You cannot for one moment allow old limiting beliefs to enter your mind and re-root themselves.  It takes effort, courage and knowing in your gut that limiting beliefs can be overcome. 

How to Stop Fearing Change

Fear of change, keeps you small
So you avoid discomfort by making excuses.
How is that going for you?

I cannot afford it, I have to wait, I don’t know. Oh my God, I have to make that call and I forget. Why don’t they just stop contacting me? Why is she continuing to talk about this again and again? I really want to but… my head, my children, I have to ask my husband. These are some the many excuses we make up in our lives when the change you requested starts to come.

What are the excuses that have you playing small in your life? Above are a myriad of excuses that I have heard and that I have also used in my life. However, I now know when my ego is messing with me. It is working hard on stopping me from doing the things I want to do but I am afraid to do.

My fear shows up around money, I get a triggered. I feel it in my solar plexus and I start the nagging internal dialog. My internal dialog doesn’t have language, it just has feelings. However, what I have found is that if I do not choose that thing that will impact my life positively. I’ll spend the money on something or another that really has no educational or emotional impact on my life and my life stays the same. Whereby, when I think of spending money on a course, seminar, workshop and or coach that would transform my mindset, it causes me emotional upheaval in my subconscious because my ego so big. It is does not like change and responds by making me mad at myself.

I have listened to woman who, like myself, have attended workshops. It is so amazing to hear the conversations and about the way they hear things and interpret them. Be aware it is the ego, it stands in the way of your greatness. It is also has a way of being arrogant. You know that you need help, but you refuse to take it.

In my work, I hear and see a lot of what is happening in the back ground of women’s life. I hear all the little conversations and disguises that are put on when you have not set up strong, personal boundaries in your life. I also hear when you’re trying to manipulate people into doing something that you want without using your verbal skills. I also hear when you are trying to ‘fake’ knowing something when is really okay not to know it. I also hear when you job runs your life and you have no personal activities going on in your life. I hear the bitterness in some that is so bitter it impacts their whole environment. (Not a judgment, just an observation.)

I also have the keen intuition of knowing and recognize when someone else’s anxiety is coming from being overwhelmed, not trusting or being present with your life. When you have all the accoutrements that money can buy, you’re great at your job but you do not your personal life. You’re amazing people, you are strong and many times you are very very afraid of your own personal power. Ask me how I know. I have been there.

It does not work for me that woman do not know their power, they feel something other than their true selves all the time or suffer inside from behaviors that no longer work for them. All because they are afraid of what people are going to say about them. It is important to know that it is none of your business what people say about you. Ladies the fear of change, the lack of confidence and self esteem in your personal life keeps your small in your personal life and to avoid discomfort, you make up excuses.

Hey How is that going for you.

Call me and let me know

How to Stop Feeling Guilty

Guilt leaves you feeling YUCKY. Guilt is a very dis-empowering action. The majority of the women I come in contact with as a Confidence and Self Esteem Expert experience tremendous guilt. They feel guilty around their children, friends, family and the list goes on. However, when you are in love with yourself, you have a strong sense of security and you can step out of the guilty behavior. Letting go of guilt enables you to make deliberate choices allowing you to own the process of loving yourself.

One experiences Guilt when they do not act or behave like the rest of the group or clique. You will often experience ridicule or criticism because they want to you to behave or act in a particular way. So they will try to gain power over you by trying to make you feel guilty. Guilt is used by everyone. However, when you have confidence and a strong self-esteem, this form of behavior has no power over you because you come from your heart as you are courageous. With courage you know that you are in charge of your life.

When you do not have courage, lack confidence, and self-esteem, you come from a place of manipulation. You engage in power struggles to get a desired behavior from another person. Many people use silence coupled with withdrawal of affection/love to dominate their friends, family and children. This kind of behavior just is not loving. You are further endorsing that you are not enough, or that you are not acceptable for other people because you have to engage in power struggles to get what you desire.

If you engage in this kind of manipulative guilt breeding behavior, it is important that you surrender this combative tactic. We all want to experience freedom without guilt but to experience freedom we have to let others experience the freedom we want for ourselves.

Learning to detach ourselves from reactions and our emotions is necessary when the negative takes a hold of you. When we pull ourselves out of center where we lose all sense of who we are because we have become upset, bitter and all manner of things that separate us from others. You have to learn to love yourself with kindness not from a place of judgment; judgment separates you from others and yourselves. It sets you up to fail so you cannot be free. When you judge people for the things they do, what they have, do not have or how they act, you are also setting yourself up in the judgment that you have woven for another. When you set up this kind of web, you have now told yourself that you can only accept yourself under certain circumstances and conditions. If attaining these conditions and circumstance becomes difficult, you have now put yourself in a place where you have no freedom. You have now placed a very harsh way of being on yourself, filled with self-criticism, where you are not good enough. When you give up and love yourself unconditionally, you will experience yourself with naturally experiencing confidence and self-esteem. Confidence and Self-Esteem will naturally attract positivity to you.

Make time for happiness

A good portion of women are too busy making themselves busy so they don’t have a minute to look at the true picture of their life.  They are too busy to call a friend or too busy to return a call.  They are too busy to be the yes that they said they’d be.  What is all this busy-ness?  We have a ton of technology available to us at the drop of a dime.  Literally a drop of a dime and yet we are way too busy.  Now the with cellphones less than half a yard away from your elbow inside your bag or pocket it remains impossible to return a simple call, to a client, a potential suitor, a doctor anybody.

Two happy girls

Well, you don’t understand, I am really busy.  How busy can you be?  Are you running a small country?  What is it that you are doing in your life that has you so busy that nothing has changed in the last 3 years? I have a running conversation with clients that say to me that they are too busy to do something that they say is important to them.  Important things like their friends, their health and wellbeing.  They want to date, fix their finances or change something in their life.  Well, what I say is you are not running a city or a small country.  For instance look at Rudy Guilliani, the mayor of New York City 1994-2001. Here was a man that was busy, running NYC, visiting other states and countries and still he still found time to have a wife and then cheat on her.  Now that’s busy.  If you not running a small city, visiting other countries having a marriage and an extra marital affair, you’re not that busy. Come on!

What’s really going on is that you do not have a system to manage yourself, and you do not have a relationship with your word.  How do I know this?  Well, I know this because when the conversation comes up about you being unavailable, not following up on your promises, and not being your word, then you get triggered.  You shut down become resigned.  Some of you might even become angry.  This is not a judgment; it is something that I have experienced.

If all the things that you say you would love to have or experience are really that important to you, then it is important that you carve out time for yourself.  There is more than enough time in the day to handle what it is that you say that you desire.  The first question to ask yourself is: Am I happy?  What’s happiness got to do with time? What has happiness go to do with anything?  Well, I have come to understand that people that are happy with themselves desire to remain happy.  They share.  They are often times enjoying the work that they have chosen for themselves.  They are busy, but they are organized.  It is this kind of happiness that is important to them.  They do not want anything to interfere with their happiness.  So they make the time to do the things that is important to them and schedule time to handle all the other things.  They are happy and they want to share it with friends so they create time to talk with friends.  They are not interested in getting sick so they will create time to go to the doctor and keep a handle on their wellbeing.  They have created structure to keep on doing the thing that they enjoy doing.

 

 

 

Happiness is something that one can do for oneself. However, it is something that is better shared with another.  When you are happy in your life you become aware of whom you are.  So if you desire a deep relationship with another person, it’s important that you become aware of yourself.

The comments above are not here to make you feel wrong or written as a judgment.  I have written them as a way to have you look inside and understand that sometimes you are not aware of what you’re doing or how it impacts your life and the lives of the people you say are important to you.  It is important to see them so that you can realize how important it is to learn to concentrate and focus your mind where you choose.  You can elevate your thinking and your choices to a higher ideal rather than just merely having a view or no view at all and remain stuck thinking that your business is real and you have no time.   Then when people say that you are not managing your time or you wasted their time being busy, you don’t find yourself feeling attacked or defending yourself.

It is as though you are too afraid to take a minute to just sit down and smell the roses.  Many  women have discovered the age old art of making themselves wrong so they have something to distract them from just taking a minute to sit down and reflect.  Happiness appears as this elusive thing they are searching for.  Some are looking for it in the arms of the next lover before completing with the last one.  Some are looking for it at the end of the credit card in the next pair of designer shoes.  This is not a judgment.

What I do know is that a lot of woman are really craving, desiring and would like to have the kind of happiness that just makes you heart sing.  The kind of happiness that you feel when you are taking time out to do something that you really enjoy doing, that ignites your passion and get your juices flowing.  No ladies, not that kind.  At least not at this moment;  I mean the kind of passion that I experience when I am riding my bike and the wind is whipping around my helmet and I see life’s pleasures like a flower that had just broken through the earth.

 

 

Case Study – Lori K.

Lori is in my Live Life Your Way (LLYW) maintenance program.  I have worked with her for over five (5) years.  She has completed the Honorable program and continues with coaching because she derives a tremendous amount of value from the process.  She has gone from weakness to strength in her life and relationships, with me as her Personal Life Coach. Lori has expanded her life in general, is in a better place financially, is in a healthy committed relationship, has better relationships with her family and friends, and she travels extensively for work and pleasure (more for pleasure).  But most of all, she is confident in and with her life, recognizes the universe will provide when she is clear as to what she wants, feels deserving of good things, and feels powerful.

 

When I first met Lori, her personal confidence and self esteem had taken a big severe hammering. She was an unhappy professional woman who was stuck in her life. She had a job that didn’t suit her, her home and work environments were dismal, the relationship with her then boss was very depressing and difficult, her office had no windows and she was underpaid.  This made her very unhappy which in turn had her stuck.

 

Lori spent most of her nights and all of her weekends doing what she knew to do, sending out resumes and looking for a new job. She had no personal life, 5 cats, ten year old furniture that was left over from her college years, and her apartment would fill up with the marijuana smell from the neighbor below. To add insult to injury, one of her cats was sick, which had Lori spending $500+ per month on medication and vet bills.  She had no boyfriend and had not been on vacation in years; her social life was, in a word, unfulfilling.  She was also suffering from weekly migraines, was overwhelmed and a people pleaser.  She did not love herself or like the person she had become.  Her family life, like many, was dysfunctional.  Lori, a very loving and giving woman, had never bought herself a pair of shoes costing over $60 and she had no savings. Lori also had a long list of things which included day to day things, as well as life things, that were simply left undone because she had no time to do them.   She had a To Do list that was 5 pages long and growing.

 

However today, this woman is being paid almost twice the amount she had made when I meet her and she has a job that she absolutely loves that takes her all over the country. She has a wonderful home environment including new adult furniture, “she got a man” (a relationship of three years now), her relationship with her family and friends has shifted enormously in a positive way, she considers herself prosperous, she is migraine-free, and she has met many of her personal goals after putting out all the emotional fires in her life. Lori has fun now and is excited about life. She recently bought herself a brand new car, vacations often, swam with dolphins, and on July 30, 2011, she is moving into a beautiful home with her boyfriend. She takes excellent care of herself and has money in the bank now.  She has stopped being a people pleaser. She is confident and feels deserving now. Lori has learned many life lessons that will keep her from becoming emotionally stuck or having her personal confidence and self esteem take a hammering ever again.

 

As a coach, I am committed to having people shift their lives.  I am committed to having people have fun and take full responsibility for the things that they are passionate about.  Lori is my ideal client – she is committed to having the best in life and the best life ever.   I can say that I am proud that I am her Personal Life Coach and excited about supporting her to accomplish all she wants to do.  As a life coach, I am a committed listener, sounding board and your accountability partner.  As your coach, there is nothing that I cannot hear.  I am open to hearing everything that you want to experience and are currently experiencing – the good, bad, and the different.  I am not here to judge or assess you.  I am here to help you clear the debris; face the fear, challenge the challenges and Live Life Your Way.  I love what I do and I do it with great joy, pleasure, and enthusiasm.

 

Consequently, Lori is still willing to face her fears head on, and continues to build her confidence and self esteem. She has found that working with me as her coach has transformed and continues to transform her life.  I am the perfect coach for her and she is the perfect client for me as she wants her life to be “all it can be” and is continually committed to the process.
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