Last week we were talking about why we make our relationships so difficult. I was describing the story of a friend of mine. She wants her boy friend to move in with her, but he cannot because he is restricted by his income. She is interpreting this as a lack of interest and has created a dramatic break-up.
During her break-up/separation, she has been talking to her friends. You all know what talking to your friends can mean when you’re in this condition. It builds you up for a moment. They tell you how beautiful you are, how smart you are and to dump that loser. Most of you will agree with them for the moment and then continue to feel bad about yourself for being in love with a man that is a ‘loser’. Then you become wrapped up in shame about your feelings. With all of that, you begin to cry with your friends comments reverberating in your head. “Girl, you look good. You can find someone better”. When all along, you just want your own comfortable ‘loser’. You don’t care, you love him. He is yours.
Well, it did not occur to me that the guy was not a loser, here was a man that had something he was having a hard time with and needed to workout. Maybe they will go back together, maybe they won’t. But my friend seems to be handling things in a mature way. She loves this man and it was clear because she by no means made him wrong. She actually made herself wrong. We looked at her actions and she got to see that she did not take any real action in preparing for or having her boyfriend move in with her. In actuality, she was crying about regrets and upsets of not knowing what to do differently.
The first things we created a promise for her to quit crying over the phone when she spoke with him. If she did want to talk to him, then talk to him in a way that empowered her. Instead of crying, she could share what she was up to – developments with her business, her family, friends, opportunities successes, people they knew in common, etc. Her man was clearly in her corner and wanted her to be successful when they were together, so she should continue to share her wins with him. In return she could acknowledge how he is doing in his world with his music, congratulate him on being busy in the studio and doing his gigs. She could continue to share love for him in a way that has her empowered, fully self-expressing herself instead of confused, upset, feeling weak and hurt all the time.
We focused on the areas of her life that were working; her business, her money/finances, her family, her friendships. She distinguished that the only things that were not working was her relationship with this man. However, what she was doing, like many people, is that she was losing energy by focusing on the one thing that was not working. Focusing on one problem, would inevitably collapse all that she was committed to building. By the time we had finished talking and laughing, the color came back to her cheeks; she was sitting taller, her eyes were sparkling again. She was expressing herself by thanking me for supporting her to think about herself and her relationship in a way that had her walk away feeling powerfully empowered and good about herself.
If my friends relationship with this man overcomes their challenge, their lives and relationship will never be the same again. Never again will she place herself in a disempowered way. She will not live in regret, upset and confusion by living in the past and wondering what she could have done differently. She will take risks, speak up, by taking action in her love life and life going forward. By being a person who takes action, she will never date like that again. She will Date Like She Means It, speaking her truth, creating what is important to her in all relationships.
So, if you are reading this and or you know anyone who is just had a breakup and they are stuck in a vicious cycle of crying themselves to sleep and slowly sabotaging themselves. Please have them read this article and if they find value send me an email or contact me at 718-834-9450.
I love having people complete old ways of being in a relationship in a way that has them feel empowered and leave the vicious cycle of heartbreak by changing their thoughts and creating a new relationship with themselves and their partners that has them love and create in an empowering way.