Friends, Love and Understanding

Friends are important to me.

One thing I know is that I have a gift for making friends and I love the friends I have.  It has nothing to do with the length of time that I know them.  It has to do with the love that I can now share. I do not like releasing friendships.

What I didn’t know about myself until recently is that I never gave myself permission to not be a friend.  I believe that I can find the best in everyone, I  didn’t have to not like a person because they had certain characteristics that didn’t not work for me.  I thought that if I found the qualities that I liked in them, it would outweigh the ones I didn’t.

My Personal Story

My trip to Jamaica with a friend was an experience. I will forgive yes but forget because it was a valuable learning tool.  It was an extremely volatile and sad experience for me.  I accept that I had been avoiding some harsh realities.  My friend whom I have grown to love, had some behaviors that were not personal to me, but they were bad behaviors never-the-less and though I knew they existed, I did not want to see them in my world.  These behaviors had been exhibited last year, so I was knowledgeable about her extremes.  Even though I knew her behavior might be something that I would experience first hand, I neglected to accept it.  I did not face my own truth and follow my intuition.
Therefore, May 2011 became my turn.  Based on my commitment to supporting people develop confidence and self-esteem with my commitment to myself to not to have vulgar exchanges with any other human beings, I left my friend to experience her volatile tantrums on her own in the parking lot of our beautiful resort.
My friend is a very intelligent and professional woman who is a little stuck and unhappy.  When upset like many individuals, she finds it difficult to express herself and is taken away with emotion that is too much for her to handle.

What I Discovered


Anyway, being a Personal Life Coach and working in the area of confidence and self-esteem while also being committed to using my words to empower. (I like all humans feel the fight or flight emotion)  I knew my friend’s behavior was volatile, I recognized it very early on in our relationship.  I recognized all the signs, but because it was a very young friend, I chose to allow her to be who she was.   In the beginning, I would mention her behavior.  However, since she did not hire me or ask for my support, I decided to choose which hill I wanted to die on.  Plus, people do not welcome unsolicited instruction.  So, I would leave it at that.
What I have discovered, and now own and accept, is that there were people in my life that had a lot of behaviors I did not agree with, but I chose to keep them in my life always seeking the good, repeating my personal mantras “They’re nice” or “They’re fun” which there were, at times.  But not realizing that I was also fun, I was also nice and that it was time for me to let these people go.

I also realized that I wanted some new friends that had similar qualities that were important to me.  Example:  Friends that liked people, who shared themselves freely, with similar interests, and for the relationship to have a loving quality to it.  What I discovered was that it is not my friend’s responsibility to bring the fun or anything I wanted, it was mine.   I realized that these relationships were my doing!  I had created these people from a lack of value that I had about myself.  It was my choice, I had brought these people into my world, and it was my responsibility to value myself and recreate friendships from a place of inner confidence and self-esteem in my world.
Removing them did not mean I had to disregard them and or make them wrong.  What it meant for me was being truthful with myself and cutting the cord with this friend, as painful as I thought it was.  It was important to cut cords and still feel love for them with no upset, no jellies in the pit of my stomach.  I could still be polite, loving and wishing them happiness in their respective lives yet moving on in mine.
I learned in that precious moment that I could still love my friend.  The experience showed me that I loved and valued myself and releasing the friend was just releasing.  It was nothing else.

My Life Now


So I have released this friend and few others in a very short space of time, I have opened the door and attracted new people into my life that I am enjoying and love to be around.  I’m enjoy being with these people and they share that they really enjoy being with me.   All the things that I bring to my friendships are reflected back at me.
Ask yourself these questions:
What can you see from this learning experience?
Where in your life are you not giving yourself permission?
If you want something new, are you open to having it come from anywhere, anyplace, anyone?
This experience happened to have me get aware of new opportunities.  Where are your opportunities?
What are you tolerating in your life?
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How to be Happy at Work

When you get hired to do a job or work for a corporation, they’ve hired you because you are the right person for the job. You fit their needs and you have their desired skill set. In turn, you’re excited about being the one chosen. You fought the good fight and won. Whoo hoo.
You’re excited about your job description. You fit their budget; you’re fine with the prescribed salary and if you’re not they’ve hooked you with some sort of promise of a bonus or perk. The day that you joined the company of your dreams, you received a large binder with all you need to know about the company. If you’re anything like me, you’ll skim through it and you’re golden. The binder is filled with the does and don’ts and the musts and must nots, it’s clear that these are the company’s boundaries and rules for being a member of company. In essence they are rules of their game.

Skip ahead a few months:

The novelty of being the new person has worn off now. You fit snugly into your position. You have been on the job a few weeks or months, you’re smart enough and you pretty much have a general lay of the land by now. What are your boundaries or the boundaries that you see that you have to create for yourself.
As an employee do you have clear concise boundaries that you play by? If so, are they something that can be laid out clearly to your bosses and co-workers, or are they boundaries that only you know about and everyone else has to read your mind to understand? Do you have boundaries for your performance on the job?
It is important that you understand what it is you will and will not tolerate so you can discover what works for you and what does not work. This will enable you to organize yourself in a way that makes your life on the job comfortable. This is an opportunity to help you to see where you compromise and how it can affect you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Is it important for you have timelines for your work? Is it important that you take lunch and breaks for effective productivity throughout the day? How important is it for your co-workers to respect your space and the work that you do? Can you and do you welcome positive criticism or do you see criticism as a put down? How important is it for you to take vacation or well-being days within the confines of your allowable time off? Are you comfortable stating these needs in a confident way?

What do I do as a coach?

I often tell people that anyone can ask you for anything, and if you have healthy boundaries your answers can be from a healthy place, not a personal place. If your boundaries are unhealthy, you will take everything personally and be on the defensive side of the fence.
Practicing truth with yourself gives you clarity and peace of mind will help you know what your boundaries and rules are. It is important that your boundaries are clear in who you are being on the job. It helps you to be clear about your responsibilities, your attitudes and how you get along with others. It is important that you be clear in your communication and the promises that you make to yourself and to others.
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