What does that look like when I date with my eyes? I look for the hot guy. When I date with my vagina it’s all about lust. The hot guy for me is the guy that fits my proto-type of what I find attractive and enjoy. I couldn’t help it and now I understand it was my automatic when it came to dating.
What’s a proto-type? A proto-type for me is the type of man that does it for me. I found that I dated that same dynamic over and over again. An example of my proto-type is a man that is tall, 6.2 to 6.5ft, bald, preferably West African or a French colony, his complexion is jet black. He is loving kind, a little bottled-up sexually and wants to fully sexually express, that last part is not that specific I just noticed that. That’s what I’m attracted to and that is what turns my head. I also noticed that this is completely the opposite of the first man in my life which was my dad. My dad was 5.6ft my mother was 5.9ft and they looked odd. So I was working on avoiding that dynamic. My father had a Napoleon complex and I believed that a little man would try to dominate me. My father was moody, bossy and the boss. In a lot of ways he was great and in a lot of ways he was exactly how he had to be with me.
I’ve always envied people who did not have a proto-type until I discovered we all have our thing, some physical some not. Whatever it is, we all have our proto-type. However, I am smart enough to know that we all have something that does it for us. Don’t ask me why. That is the physical aspect of what’s attractive to me and I have been attracted to it over and over.
What happens is whenever I’d meet my proto-type, it was as though my mind would go blank – I didn’t see anything other than what they looked like and what I described. Oh, I forgot to add, I love great teeth. Great teeth do it for me. There are no questions, it’s all physical and it will go no further than that because I have no foundation for anything else. It is a fantasy. I don’t ask the questions that we would normally ask of a date, because I’m not operating from any place other than my eyes and my vagina. Lust and my sense of beauty. There is no future in this regard. This connection is base, it can go on for a long time with no future. It’s all about looking good and sex.
With my proto-type there is no future to create because I was never present. My proto-type is purely feel good, look good and wow! Basically, I was disconnected, shallow and was operating at a base level. No judgement it was just what it was.
It’s so great that I have discovered that this is what I have been doing with relationships. I want you to know that I am not saying that what I did was wrong or right, good or bad. I am just being responsible and not allowing my vagina to go on a date without the rest of me. The dynamic that I was creating has now expired because I’m creating relationship, commitment and connection in a relationship.
It is the knowledge that I have about myself, I have the tools and ability to be responsible, present in my relationships going forward and the outcome of that is that on Sunday, I had a date, the 1st in a long time, the first one when I did not worry about height or concern myself that he was not my proto-type and I was settled inside myself as I was completely present and experienced a really great date. I had a good time. I stayed on my side of the date. It was my job to enjoy myself and have fun and I did that. I asked questions, shared myself. Ate good food. Laughed at his funny and corny jokes. Had some silly jokes corny jokes of my own. I even got moved that I could actually be on a date with a man that was not my proto-type and I gave myself an opportunity to wonder what it would be like to be with a man that was smaller than anyone that I have ever dated. I saw that what I had been avoiding this whole time in my relationship was looking like my parents. My mother was taller than my father and this guy was 1 inch taller than me.
People, I have been avoiding dating my father, forever a short man. I had an internal conversation and limiting belief that had me create the complete opposite of what I did not know I was avoiding. Me, a tall woman with a short man. That conversation, going forward can be buried and put in the past. I had been dating with my eyes and vagina pretty much all my adult life. I did not have a barometer to distinguish anything going forward. The difference now, is I’m dating with curiosity and being present.
Noreen is ready to engage in a full adult relationship that is inspiring where I know myself as generative, creative, loving and kind. One where I am sharing myself openly, intimately with a man that is amazing and beyond my wildest dreams. Now, I know I am not naïve. I’m open to knowing whatever concerns I will show up and I embrace them as opportunities to grow.
Passion and love is courageous and all-encompassing.
Live Life Your Way,
Noreen Sumpter Life Coach