My life had no single “defining moment.” I faced times in my life when I needed to take a stand for myself, or be lost forever, living my life by someone else’s design.
I know how you feel.
Lack of confidence and anger ruled my world, I felt misunderstood and I was a runner. My anger was deep and turned in on myself. My stomach always in knots and tumbling, I swallowed my voice, by sulking, disconnecting myself and shutting down. Or, I could go react in an instant.
My parents taught me to keep myself to myself: “You only give 99% of yourself to anyone and the other 1% you keep, don’t lose yourself by loving too deeply. Furthermore, never ever let anyone know what you are thinking and or let anyone know your business because they could use it against you.” That was how I was raised; that is what I knew and how I survived? I was emotionally disconnected and stunted! I gave myself permission to only laugh or be angry, those where my only forms of self-expression. Never sad, for sadness was weakness and so was vulnerability. I was left feeling like a clown with smile slapped on my face being disconnected, sad and cutoff from the world of sharing myself.
I knew choose to marry and settle in NY that I could not continue to live like this my parents had done a great job, and that way of being no longer worked for me. My family and I were close and self-expressed if we were laughing, having fun or fussing. However, intimacy was awkward and was only expressed in as a third person. In NY I asked myself, who would I talk to; who would tell or hear my secrets? As I had kept my secrets to myself. I was lost and alone. I kept myself busy so I did not have to be with myself and I could go on working and working. I had to be good at whatever I did because I had to do it alone. I never asked for anything. It took me a long time to learn how ask for what I wanted. I had to learn to speak up for myself in a way that had people listen to me. I dominated myself and people to avoid being dominated by them.
I always thought I was confident, until the day my marriage ended. It taken a long time to do end it. It was a confusing experience not having the words to express my feelings because I had not created relationships to share myself with. It took a long time to discover what freedom was for me. I had never lived by myself, I was afraid and my confidence and self-esteem were in the crapper.
I kept that hidden except for when I had to make personal choices. I had none. I existed in the world of no self-worth that were run by limiting beliefs that rendered me filled with negative internal conversations about myself that ran my life: I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. I never had enough, money, time, attention and love. These were all my internal conversations. I did how had a lot of physical energy. I was likable, charismatic and this made no sense to me. How could I be this will all these feelings. It was a confusing time.
Today, my life is such a pleasure to know that these were just a series of conversations that rattled around my head like marbles when I was faced with generating my power. Do you know that these conversation, never actually go away? And now, I know they are not real, they don’t mean anything. I gave them meaning. If you reading this, consider if you desire a great life, It takes commitment to live my life. Today, I feel connected to others, and because of that, today I express myself freely. I own my voice, speak my truth and live life my way and you can also.