Why Are Relationships So Difficult

Why do relationships have to be so difficult?  That is the chant of everyone going through buy cialis a breakup.  Why take your breakups so personally? When you are going through a breakup, do you dig recall conversations that you can use to sooth your pain, to use as an excuse to make the other party into a despicable person? Do you look for  anything to make yourself look good and the other person look bad?  It takes resilience and honor to remain a balanced loving individual that understands that a breakup is not personal.  If you have difficulty in any area of a breakup, you’ll dredge up past hurts, thoughts and feelings to help justify why things are not going the way you want.

Breakup and hurt feelings are really not meant to be personal; because no matter how long it takes, our feelings are a reaction to an interaction that is not working out.  Women want to know why men become silent, and cannot communicate. Men cannot deal with the constant rehashing of old conversations commonly known or referred to as nagging. There are a lot of things that you cannot seem to understand when you are experiencing breakdowns in your relationships.  In most relationships, there is a breakdown in communication long before there is a breakup.  Sometimes there is a warning sign. Sometimes there is not.  The warning signs differs with your personal perspective.

How can a breakdown be good?  A breakdown is an opportunity to really look at what is in your relationship that is not working so that you can take the necessary actions to remedy or fix the problem in a manner that works for both parties.  However, you know that a breakup is inevitable when you haven’t taken any action in the breakdown phase.  Here is a story of a friend who is going through a breakdown/breakup:

My friend is in the midst of a challenge/breakup with her boyfriend.  She started our conversation by describing that she was not having a good day.  As she said this, she put on her sunglasses apologized for her feelings and began to cry behind her glasses. ( Humans never want to look bad not matter what).  I told her to cry as I think it best to be straight with our emotions. She had just broken up with my boyfriend.  They argued and she threw him out of her apartment (they were not living together).  Living together was the reason for the argument.  She could not understand why he was not moving in with her. She was frustrated sad, and disappointed.  The haven’t spoken for 5 weeks but that morning on the phone they spoke.  “He loves me but relationships should not have to be this hard.”

“I love him, why did he not want to move in with me?” What we want in life will only happen if we take the necessary actions to have them materialize.  What actions did you take to have him move in with you?  Did you have a deadline?  No.  I was waiting on him.  He said he did not have the money to move into our space.  I said it was okay and I will pay the bulk of the rent.  “He said no way.” Some men no matter how their situations are were not built to live off a woman.  Some men just don’t care.  No matter how liberal a woman may be.  Men will still be men. They still insist on pulling their weight.  “I thought it was his machismo shit” she said.  Well, it may be but that was really what it was for him.  He did not have the money.

She would not hear it.  She confessed to hearing was what she wanted.  Sometimes you are so in love with love and what you want, that you cannot hear what your partner has to say.   By no means is there anything wrong with what you want, but you need to take action.  What steps was she taking?  Or were she just continually talking about it so that it turned into nagging.  She realized she did not take any steps or create a deadline.  She really just waited, talked/nagged, cried and said I love you, why it was not going the way I wanted it to go?

When you are ready and willing to get straightforward and honest with yourself, you can cast off all the things that numb your mind and have you mentally and physically stuck  in your life.  She immediately saw where she was not thinking and only had thoughts that were a part of the recycling of past conversations.

More on her story next week.

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Why Are Relationships So Difficult Part II

Last week we were talking about why we make our relationships so difficult. I was describing the story of a friend of mine.  She wants her boy friend to move in with her, but he cannot because he is restricted by his income.  She is interpreting this as a lack of interest and has created a dramatic break-up.

During her break-up/separation, she has been talking to her friends.  You all know what talking to your friends can mean when you’re in this condition.  It builds you up for a moment. They tell you how beautiful you are, how smart you are and to dump that loser.  Most of you will agree with them for the moment and then continue to feel bad about yourself for being in love with a man that is a ‘loser’.  Then you become wrapped up in shame about your feelings.  With all of that, you begin to cry with your friends comments reverberating in your head.  “Girl, you look good.  You can find someone better”. When all along, you just want your own comfortable ‘loser’. You don’t care, you love him.   He is yours.

Well, it did not occur to me that the guy was not a loser, here was a man that had something he was having a hard time with and needed to workout.  Maybe they will go back together, maybe they won’t. But my friend seems to be handling things in a mature way.  She loves this man and it was clear because she by no means made him wrong.  She actually made herself wrong.  We looked at her actions and she got to see that she did not take any real action in preparing for or having her boyfriend move in with her. In actuality, she was crying about regrets and upsets of not knowing what to do differently.

The first things we created a promise for her to quit crying over the phone when she spoke with him.  If she did want to talk to him, then talk to him in a way that empowered her. Instead of crying, she could share what she was up to – developments with her business, her family, friends, opportunities successes, people they knew in common, etc.  Her man was clearly in her corner and wanted her to be successful when they were together, so she should continue to share her wins with him.  In return she could acknowledge how he is doing in his world with his music, congratulate him on being busy in the studio and doing his gigs.  She could continue to share love for him in a way that has her empowered, fully self-expressing herself instead of confused, upset, feeling weak and hurt all the time.

We focused on the areas of her life that were working; her business, her money/finances, her family, her friendships. She distinguished that the only things that were not working was her relationship with this man.  However, what she was doing, like many people, is that she was losing energy by focusing on the one thing that was not working.  Focusing on one problem, would inevitably collapse all that she was committed to building.   By the time we had finished talking and laughing, the color came back to her cheeks; she was sitting taller, her eyes were sparkling again.  She was expressing herself by thanking me for supporting her to think about herself and her relationship in a way that had her walk away feeling powerfully empowered and good about herself.

If my friends relationship with this man overcomes their challenge, their lives and relationship will never be the same again.  Never again will she place herself in a disempowered way. She will not live in regret, upset and confusion by living in the past and wondering what she could have done differently.  She will take risks, speak up, by taking action in her love life and life going forward.  By being a person who takes action, she will never date like that again. She will Date Like She Means It, speaking her truth, creating what is important to her in all relationships.

So, if you are reading this and or you know anyone who is just had a breakup and they are stuck in a vicious cycle of crying themselves to sleep and slowly sabotaging themselves.  Please have them read this article and if they find value send me an email or contact me at 718-834-9450.

I love having people complete old ways of being in a relationship in a way that has them feel empowered and leave the vicious cycle of heartbreak by changing their thoughts and creating a new relationship with themselves and their partners that has them love and create in an empowering way.

READ PART 1 HERE.

20 Things To Do To Maintain Your Friendships

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I am so excited to know that as long as I have an abundance of happiness and love, I am rich beyond measure. This fills my heart. My relationships with my friends and family are the cornerstone of who I am and how I live my life. If I kill off one person in my life, I feel a deficit.

What my friends can count on from me is that I will always clean up any mess I have with you. I will be 100% responsible for what I say and do not say, how I was being or not being. Just because our relationship is over does not mean I don’t and won’t love you. My love for you will never die, because there is a fine line between love and hate, if I resist my love for you I’ll be mad. So, I will use my love, where it will live as a warm memory in my heart.

Use these 20 tips to keep your friendships healthy.

1. Accept your friends as they are and not as you think they are (do this and you won’t be disappointed).
2. You and your friends might be similar however, you are different in a lot of unknown ways (this experience is sometime a bitch to learn).
3. Your experiences are yours, they are not theirs (share, share, share and don’t expect them to know everything).
4. Give your friends the same freedom you want in your life (don’t blame them for their choices).
5. Differences in friendship are what makes the friendship exciting and powerful (opposites create fun, courage and risk. Hello!).
6. Tell your friends what you expect. (They cannot and don’t want to read your mind)
7. Happiness is a subjective phenomenon; and is experienced differently by everyone. It means different things to each of you. (Variety is the spice of life)
8. Focus on what you have in the friendship and not what you don’t have.
9. Create with your friends what you are committed to in your friendship (Recreate it daily)
10. Honor you word in your friendship. (Do what you say you’ll do. If you can’t ,say so)
11. Know what you value in yourself so you can share it with you friends (Now they know)
12. Let your friends know that you value and love them
13. Don’t forget how it feels to receive respect and affection from your friends. (Express and share it)
14. Take time to celebrate yourself, and your friendship openly (I am so glad we are friends. I love you).
15. Recognize your friends and their strengths (My friend Kim has style, Jacquelyn is great with structure, Mike rocks the house with music. My sister makes my stomach muscles hurt with jokes).
16. We are humans and we all make mistakes, do not kill off your friends for mistakes (Gee, thinks everyone is a stalker because they love her)
17. Give to your friendships with an open heart
18. Don’t take your friendships for granted (furthermore, practice not taking yourself for granted).
19. If you have negative thoughts toward a friend challenge it and immediately create a positive thought (This takes mega practice).
20. Open your heart in your friendships. Be willing to be moved, touched and inspired with your friends. (I feel weepy, that was so special)
The happiest people have lots of friends, and have the ability to build supportive relationships and they spend time with happy people. Knowing your communication style is important as knowing how to share your affections and emotions, as well as building trust. It is important to spend time investing in and maintaining your relationship if you want to build a great friendships.

Live Life Your Way,

Noreen Sumpter Life Coach

Removing Emotional Armor

I first noticed I was hiding behind emotional armor with a friend of mine that I loved very much. It was difficult and I choose to give up my emotional armor and become vulnerable.  We used to go skating in Central Park every Sunday, she, her husband and my husband (now ex) and I.  They were all good at skating. I was awful and gradually over time I became better. One Sunday we had a skating picnic for a friend’s birthday in the Central Park. My friend wanted me to skate with her like we always did and I said “in a minute.” However, that minute never happened she got angry because I didn’t skate with her that Sunday.

We lived in the same building; we were neighbors, so I couldn’t avoid my friend who got really angry at me and we started fussing, me standing my ground that I did not have to skate.  During those times I did not have the context of having it all, I lived in a one-or-the-other world. We both went home to our respective houses upset.  However, the fussing continued with our respective husbands until they became fed up.  My husband called friend’s husband and they both came down to our apartment and we all came together.  Our husbands knew that they would not be getting any peace while we were upset with each other.  They let us hash it out. I was by the bathroom with my arms crossed and my lower lip pushed out sulking, she was on the corner of our couch, arms crossed in a slouched position.

Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions.
Keeping on your emotional armor creates a whirlwind of emotions inside.

I loved my friend very much, and I felt the love and the upset I could feel both emotions were whirling around inside me. I did not want to acknowledge either of them.  It was in that moment that I accepted that I had armor. I wanted to be right, and upset, rather than ask her to forgive me and admit that she was disappointed. I knew that if I continued this way I would lose my friend, which would meant losing all the fun that we had together, the skating, parties, cocktail hours, conversations in the garden, shopping, everything and most of all the intimacy and trust we ever had.  This was the first time that I realized that this is the way I acted when I felt attacked or made wrong.  I would just cut off the relationship.  I saw that I was prone to suffering rather than cleaning up the messes.

I took a leap of faith and took responsibility for my armor. It was a protective shield that I had created years ago to avoid feeling vulnerable.  Being vulnerable for me was a weakness and I didn’t want to look or feel weak.  Accepting my fear of vulnerability opened me up to a sense of power. I became honest with myself and my friend. I’m human, at some point in my relationships and interactions I will experience or cause upsets, disappointments and communication breakdowns. Life is not black and white and my fears were valid, and my actions or inactions have consequences.

I’ve learned that anger is an important emotion and if not expressed it ends up becoming resentment.  Anger is here to help us deal with our perceived violations and perpetrations. I can choose to express it or repress it.  If repressed it becomes a vicious cycle and I will continue experience lack of control. I feared my anger because I felt that it was bigger than me. I repressed anger not knowing it was the same experience, Ieaving me with feelings of constant defensiveness.

Today, I feel that there really is nothing to be fearful of about my anger.  Owning anger and using it as an alarm system to realize when our boundaries have been breached. Note that when we are angry it looks like we are angry at the other person.  However, if we are honest with ourselves we see that we are angry at ourselves when we distinguish this, it become a form of sadness, and I have now learned to deal with it in a way that supports me.  I can be with my anger.  I listen to what aspect of my boundaries have been breached. Katherine Woodward Thomas so eloquently says:

“Listen to its power and its fury.  Underneath the resounding whirlwind of rage is a very important message that we obviously need to hear.  When anger consumes us, there is information present that is much like gold that must be searched for and minded.”

We can then restore our integrity and personal safety.  Anger becomes an opportunity to take positive action – where relationships thrive, friendships are maintained and love is present.  It is a powerful opportunity for balance in relationships.

We cannot have or keep love and friendship alive without experiencing our emotions and growing without doing the work we are resisting.

You do not have to answer the questions below – however, by doing so and taking action you might be able to put your boundaries back in place and restore your personal integrity.  You might see and opportunity for true forgiveness.

  • Who are you angry at?
  • What are you most afraid of?
  • What are the violations of your boundaries?
  • What is your responsibility?
  • What if any actions are you willing to take or not take?
  • What could happen if you take no action?
  • When will you take these actions or have the matter be complete?
  • Is there a place for forgiveness of yourself or the person involved?

NoreenSumpterCoach.com

I would love to connect with you on social media. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter and Facebook.

 

 

How to Repair a Broken Friendship

Photo by Arne Hendriks
Photo by Arne Hendriks

Last week I talked about friendships and what happens when they suddenly end. I have been pondering my friendships to understand what happens and what it will take for me to be a great friend as well as an incredible Life Coach in the area of Confidence and Self Esteem.

What I saw in myself and my friendships was shocking.  I’ve been being a bratty demanding friend and ending relationships with the Kiss of Death.  I want you to know, that I have been doing some powerful work in and around my friendships. I have taken  immediate action, cleaned up and have gotten rid of olds way of behaving that no longer work or serve me.

What I know is that I love my friends. My friends love me and love being with me.  However, what I saw about myself is that I do not have space for them to make mistakes in their friendship with me.  I want my friends to be perfect and not cause me any concerns or hurt me in any way that I deem unsuitable for a friendship. So the moment I experience an upset or cause for concern, real or imagined, I confront them. If they do not act the way I want them to, I end the relationship. I am gone.  They’re dead to me. This has cost me a lot of friends.

This is just a basic example of what I do:

I send them a text or email which is filled with love and the Kiss of Death.
I erase them from all my communications, Facebook, phone etc.,
When I see them around, I ignore them.
I don’t want to know anything about them ever because I’ll get upset.
Whenever I think about them and have unresolved emotions.

This is what I am left with:

Friends that I have ignored or mentally killed off.
Friends who even if they wanted to be in communication, cannot reach me they’re blocked or ignored.
I have am upset, angry and miss my friends.
I am left with longing with memories of great friends and times that are no long present in my life.
Continuous conversations and stories about what happened or did not happen.

What I’m already being is:

Stubborn – I’ll be dammed, l’ll no longer communicate with them.
Justified – They are wrong, I am right.
Angry and pissed off – To hell with them!
Sad and replaying memories– I’m stubborn and I will not surrender.  They have to say they are sorry first and confess the wrong they have done me.

In the end, what I discovered is that I need to accept my friends as humans. They are going to do and say things that I do not agree with.  Whatever happens in my friendships is not personal. I can accept them anyway they are and are not. I realize what was missing is: vulnerability, integrity, love, patience, kindness and graciousness.

I took on what was missing in my life and what I saw was the piles up upset feelings I created for myself and for my friends.  I realize that this way of being is not who I want to be in my life. I proceeded to call my friends and send email to them and one by one.  I put the integrity back in my life and my relationships by sharing my experiences and how I felt about our relationship.  I let them know I could be counted on going forward.

The response has been great. They got to share how it was for them being on the other end of my stuff (crap.) For those I spoke on the phone with, I have declared that I will clean up with them in person as well.  I shared with them what was there for me, what had me kill off the relationship and how the fear of being told what to do, of being wrong, judged and evaluated, actually impacted our friendship.  I had no compassion for my friends and was being a spoiled brat. The person who was being hard on me was me.

Going forward, my friends get to choose powerfully if they want to engage in a relationship with me from nothing.  I get to accept them as they are and as they are not. If I cannot accept them how they are, then I have no right calling myself a friend.  I don’t have to make them wrong and me right.  This approach does not work. I am a Life Coach and create transformation in other people’s lives.  It was a young conversation which caused me to get reactivated and where I did not have language.  Well, I have the language now and I will use it.

With all that said, I want my friends to know that I love them. I am transforming my old friendships into friendships where I have understanding and communication, where I will be being vulnerable, loving, gracious, and kind. They get to be however they are and choose powerfully if they wish to be friends with me. Together, we create relationships that work.  With that I no longer have to experience fear of loss, upset or some impending hurt.  Whatever way my friends choose to be is fine.

Where in your life are you willing to take action and reclaim your friendship with people you have killed off by giving them The Kiss of Death?

Love, Noreen Sumpter

What are you willing to do to put fun back in your life?

Last week I was exploring how the past impacts my life in areas that are so young that I did not know that I even had those barriers. I don’t realize these barriers exist until something triggers a response. I do not have the memory of what happened just the response I created to survive.  I also got to see that even though I am playing and having fun in my life,  I am not really playing in areas of my life that matter to me.  One area is a love relationship as I don’t have a man. I also saw that while I am very serious about my business, there is no play in that area at all.
I also got to see a big fat area of my life where there is no play.  I have no play in the area of money and that I do not relate to money as a fun tool.  My adult life has no real spontaneity of play.  So, knowing that I am taking a look from where I am now and creating where I would like to go. What will it take to upgrade my inner conversations t0 first class so I have a first class that is created with ease, grace and freedom.

 

There is an old adage that says whatever you want, give it away. So I am creating having a first class life in all areas of my life with a focus of love, and abundance and I plan on sharing this with you.

Photo by AForestFrolic
Photo by AForestFrolic

The questions below are something for you to ask yourself.

  • Where in your life is play missing and what would you be willing to do to put play back in?
  • Answer these questions honestly to yourself. You can even answer them with another person.
  • When you talk with others, are you in monologue or dialogue? Could you share more of yourself by being in a open and free dialogue?  Yes or No?  If yes, try it?

Play exists in conversations and is a back and forth experience.

  • What is your experience of play? Is it hard work, easy or do you just not play at all?
  • Are you having relationships and conversations that are back and forth – free of jumping to conclusions, experiences upsets, releasing anger and losing control?
  • Does playing make you feel uncomfortable?

Think back to when you were a child and were really good at playing:

 

  • What were your favorite games?
  • When you became an adult, did you notice that you stopped playing in your life? When and why did you stopped playing?
  • What are the nature of the kinds of conversations you are currently having in your life? Are they complaints? Are your conversations exciting and happy? Or are your conversations leaving you exhausted or afraid?

 

The Secret to Great Sex

Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 
Photo by Lies Thru a Lens 

Women with strong healthy sexual boundaries know their likes and dislikes so their communication is clear, attractive and sexy.   Sex is interplay between consenting individuals.  There are things that you’ll like and the other person might not, so it’s necessary to communicate with the person you intend on having sex with clearly.

A woman who is confident with her sexuality expresses it in and out of the bedroom, with clear verbal and non verbal communication.  She knows that her sexual needs, and pleasure are her responsibility 100% and that her partner is 100% responsible for their needs. As a result, if something shows up in the act of sex that does not appeal to her, she would not hesitate to speak her truth and voice her opinion in a manner that is respectful and non judgmental of herself and partner.

A sexually responsible woman is honest with herself about her needs and desires. She has given herself full permission to live truthfully in all areas of her life that are important.  She shares her boundaries clearly and concisely as she knows her pleasure depends upon it.

So like a sexually responsible woman, with anything in life you desire, it is important that your give yourself permission to have it in order to live your life confidently and freely.

What are your boundaries and have you shared them completely?

It’s ability to know what you desire.  Some people have little or no real boundaries, but they know what repulses them.
A boundary based on repulsions is very clear and focused on what you will not do.  It is important to be clear with your boundaries. They should be your own boundaries and not be boundaries where you are dragged along for a ride only your partner will enjoy.

If you follow or are dragged along by other people’s sexual boundaries you will never feel comfortable. You will always end up feeling resentful, and this kind of tension is never good for your well being.  So if you plan to expand or push your sexual boundaries make sure they are based on your own healthy choices.

Think for a moment, how would you share or express yourself for your pleasure with the following:
Touch:  how you’d like to be touched, when to be touched
Pressure: soft, hard
Pace: fast, slow
Lights: on or off
Rough or not
Sexually explicit language
Introduction of Sex Toys
Kissing and telling
Group sex
Pornography
Condoms
Sharing your sexual History

What would your life look like if you gave yourself permission to life with confidence and a strong self esteem in all areas of your life?

What would your life look like if you were living your life with a strong self esteem and without second guessing yourself?

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Do You Know How To Protect Your Heart?

Photo by Katerha
Photo by Katerha

As a Confidence Coach, I believe setting personal boundaries is a way of protecting and taking care of yourself, your heart and not allowing this get twisted by people comments, thoughts or feelings about you. It is important to be able to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to you and to be able to know that you have the right and duty to protect and defend yourself. It is your responsibility to be clear on how you want others to treat you.
I coach my clients to you learn how to state your feelings verbally and let people know how they feel in a way that communicates clearly. By stating your feelings verbally you affirm your right to your feelings and you know that you are not your feelings you have feelings and they can change from situation to situation, moment to moment. By affirming your feelings it allows you to  take responsibility for yourself and your life. Owning yourself, your reality and your voice is empowering. The result of self-ownership, allows other people to hear and understand you clearly.
Some people might say that setting and having boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. So they are set boundaries when in fact they are attempting to manipulate people and situations. The difference between setting boundaries and manipulation is that boundaries are healthy,give people choices and allows you the freedom to let go of the outcome. Whereby, manipulation is not a clear form of communication and it exploits people into doing what you want them to do, by using methods that cause confusion. This confusion has you

create outcomes that only the manipulator is clear about.It is unhealthy to have relationships with people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate directly, honestly and freely. Learning how to set boundaries is important and necessary for you to be a friend to yourself and others. It is your responsibility to take care and to protect yourself. It is important to love, honor and respect yourself. You cannot truly love yourself if you do not take responsibility. Loving yourself allows you the opportunity and freedom to be a creator in your life. How well do you set boundaries?  

What Women Want From a Partner

Though some of these following requests might appear to be self-centered and over indulged, they are what many women would like from a partner. However, if you look at the request for what they are really saying, you can hear that they want love and attention. These women like all women want to be loved and adored. They require what sounds like simple things. They want to be appreciated for the woman and feminine beings that that they are. Here are some of the requests I have heard form women over the years:

  • Spend time with me
  • Allow me to share my feelings
  • Share your pleasure with me
  • Be open with your feelings
  • Feel good about us or leave
  • Knows where to stand as a man
  • Have confidence
  • Be romantic
  • Offer me protection
  • Takes pride in our relationship
  • Respect me
  • Be thoughtful
  • Give me the gift of time…
  • Listen
  • Tell me I am beautiful and appreciated
  • Asking my opinion regarding a life decision that you are thinking about making…
  • Kiss me on my forehead after serving him dinner
  • Kiss me on my forehead, nose, cheeks, chin, left boobie and right boobie 5:30 in the morning when he leaves for work
  • Text me he made it to work and that he can’t wait to get back home.
  • Give me reasons to giggle
  • Compliment me in detail
  • Randomly express how he appreciates me in his life
  • Kiss tears away when they fall
  • Put a warm rag on my tummy during that time, hand me 2 Aleve, and some water, make me some tea, and hold me to distract from the pain and discomfort until I fall asleep
  • Give me words of encouragement
  • Be loyal
  • Acknowledgment my accomplishments
  • Give me emotional support coupled with physical touch (such as a hug, human touch doesn’t mean sexual)
  • Hold me tighter when the alarm goes off
  • Speak about our future together in detail
  • Motivate me, it shows your belief in who I am and what I do

Simple things mean a lot to every girl. Small talks, weird topics, smiles, a thank you, and a lot more. But nothing beats the respect, thoughtfulness, time and sincerity of what a man can give to his woman. 🙂 It’s the simple things, not so much the grandeur gestures.

Why Is Dating So Confusing?

Dating? What is it? Why is it so confusing? Dating is a form of courtship that focuses mostly on social activities between two people for the sole reason of accessing whether they are suitable for each other as an intimate partner or potential mate. Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which emerged in the last few centuries.

During the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business arrangements between families.  While romance was something that happened before and outside of marriage, discreetly in covert meetings.  Can you imagine being in a loveless marriage that was a business transaction?  The only way that people were able to pursue love and intimacy was by having affairs.   A 12th-century book, The Art of Courtly Love, advised that “True love can have no place between husband and wife”.  Can you imagine?  I think that we are still at that place given the number of divorces we are experiencing in this time.

Dating is two people together in public, exploring if they should become romantically involved. Each person is in chorus evaluating the other as a possible future partner, and at the same time is being evaluated. Dating is stressful. Some of what happens on a date is guided by a mutual understanding of societies rules. In my opinion, dating becomes scary because of a set of mythological rules from our reptilian brains and how its effect on our emotions.  Dating is not based on logic.  It turns smart successful people into confused bumbling idiots.

What is dating anyway? Why does it catch us off guard? Why do we have all of these negative conversations surrounding dating, most of which we make up in our heads?  What is it that has so many people confused, frightened and upset?   I’ll tell you what I think. It’s because we are all trying very hard to avoid the experience of being vulnerable.  We do not want to be responsible for what we really want in relationship and we have a fear of rejection.

We believe that being vulnerable is a weakness, when being vulnerable is actually one of our strengths.  Being vulnerable allows us to be truthful with ourselves and our feelings. Vulnerability does not operate on the side of logic.

My personal experience with being vulnerable was when I was trying avoid my feelings.  I was feeling anxious, worried and outside of myself.  I do not like these feelings.   So, I do not dwell in them for a long time.  The moment I shared my vulnerability and what I was afraid of, I felt like I rebalanced myself.  I experienced a sense of relief.  It gave me power and the self-awareness of how I was shutting myself down and not being open to my feelings.  I found out I was resisting my emotions by constantly complaining to anyone who would listen.   I discovered that I was creating the same problems in every relationship that I encountered.  I didn’t express my feelings and wasn’t vulnerable, then I became distant or resentful.

When you are considering dating, it is important to know what it is that you want to create for yourself.  What is the intention of dating? Be honest and clear with yourself.  Take nothing personally.  Accept that your date is having their own variation of what it is you are going through.   After you gain clarity about your needs, wants, and expectations, be courageous enough to share them, knowing that not every person who wants to date might be on the same page as you.

proscar

Own The Bitch Within

“What a Bitch!”   “I cannot believe she’s so Bitchy.”  “She is one hard Bitch.”

Have you noticed when a woman is confident and feels truly good about herself, knows what she wants, has clear concise boundaries and is developing her personal power in a healthy way, she is often referred to as Bitch. Some of her friends might even say things like “she has changed.”  Of course she changed.  Everyone changes over time.

Who wants to stay the same? Who wants to remain ignorant and insecure?  I don’t think any woman wants that.  Life is a series of choices and so we change.

It is time to stop seeking external validation, by being “nice”, living in guilt, feeling afraid, being people pleaser, or by downplaying your needs and by putting yourself last. It’s time to own your personal power and deal with yourself by:

•    Owning the Bitch Within
•    Learning to be Selfish
•    Going for your desires
•    Playing a bigger life game
Bringing forth your personal power

The word Bitch might have negative connotations; but in some areas of life if you’re a woman on a mission and up to big things, at some point you will be called a bitch to your face.  But more often than not, it’s behind your back.  It’s important to become okay with yourself the way you are and not feel you have to defend yourself against stupidity.

Gossip, is a part of life. When people don’t know you they will make up all kinds of stories about you until they find out the truth.  I have a saying, if no one is talking about you, you really not up to much.  But, when you’ve learned to deal with fear and yourself, the term bitch, will no longer have control over you.  You’ll experience major growth and personal power.  Then any comment made about you, will no longer produce a negative feeling or result, it will be like water off a ducks back.

A Woman Owning the Bitch Within

In order to love the bitch within, you have to know and own that bitch.  In this blog,  the bitch I’m referring to is a strong, confident loving person that has healthy boundaries.  She knows that nothing is personal.  This Bitch accepts herself for all she is and all she is not.  She is grateful for her mind, potential and life and is willing to create anything she wants to experience. She knows that mistakes are a part of the journey of growth and development.  She knows that nothing is ever really wrong.  She is 100% responsible for her life, the way it is and the way it is not.  She is open to living a joyous life knowing that things happen for the greater good.  She knows she has choices and can complain, or be a victim in a continuous cycle of negativity and righteousness.

Learning to be Selfish

This Bitch she is very selfish.  However, the reason why she is selfish is because she knows she does not come from a deficit in any area in her life.  She is abundant in her way of being.  She gives 100% because she coming from a place of self-love, abundance and generosity.   Self-love is a heartfelt experience.  This is not the kind of Bitch that is aggressive and negates other people’s rights.  She is empowered and thus empowers others.  She is willing to take responsibility for her life and gives up making excuses.  This is not the kind of selfishness that does not care about the effects of her actions on other people.  This Bitch is not aggressive or controlling.  Being Selfish means that you make sure that you are taken care of. When you are completely taken care, you have an abundance of self to give away.   When you say yes, you mean yes.  When say no, you mean no. There is no questioning of choice.  Everything is sent out for the highest good and everyone receives the highest good back.

Going for your desires

This bitch goes for, knows and asks clearly for exactly what she wants.  She also knows that clarity is one of the keys to having it all, so she does not settle for less than what she wants.  She also knows that if she has the right to go for her desires, so does everyone else.  She knows that the universe is abundant.  Being fulfilled in all of her desires is important. Her desires are important.  She will ask as many times as it is necessary to get what she really wants.  She knows when she stops asking for her desires, it not that she cannot have it.  It’s that something better has shown up and taken it place. Desires are continuous and so we keep on asking until old desires are met and new ones are created.

Playing a bigger game

This Bitch knows that playing a bigger game in life does not have anything to do with size or amount, it means being authentic and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings.  Having the freedom to live one’s dream.  Being happy with her choices so that her energy can be directed where she would like it to be.  She believes in herself and she believes that all things are possible.  She knows to achieve the life she wants.  Believing in herself is a choice.  It’s an attitude that she has developed for herself overtime.  She does not blame her family for the hand that she was dealt, or the race, physical size or class that she was born into. She knows that she is responsible for her own concepts and she can change them.  Her game in life is personal to her and no one ever has to agree or want to play.  She is okay about other people’s opinions, as she knows their opinions are none of her business.

Bringing forth your personal power

The Complete Bitch has personal power.   She needs no reason, she just is.  It is her very own.  The Bitch that I speak of knows that if she is going to be successful in her life in her own right. She knows that it’s the way she handles herself and owns the Bitch within.   Personal Power is within us to create the lives we want.  The life we dream about and the life that we were born to live.  You have to claim your personal power.

What would you life look like if you owned the bitch within and gave up complaining? If you took responsibility and started being a woman and owning the Bitch within? I invite you to add your comments in the box below.