No one wants to date your past

No one wants to experience the pain of your past when they begin dating you.  Everyone wants to date from a blank slate, they want to get to know you on their own terms and dating your past partners is not desirable.  Your prospective partner does not want to hear how your exes hurt you, how you can’t trust anyone now, or what happened to you in the past.  So, clean up that mess and start dating from a new fresh blank state.

What are the things that you would share about yourself at market/dating? People grumble that they cannot find a date.  Why can’t you find a date?   There are 6 billion people on the planet.  So why is it so difficult to find a date?  Is it you or your beliefs? Is it your belief that you are not good enough for anyone or no one is good enough for you?

 

What do you bring to the dating table?

Ask yourself these questions, as a person,

What is special about you?
What do you have to offer in a relationship?
What are your prize winning qualities?
What are you non prize winning qualities?
What areas are you willing to work on?
How do you feel about yourself mentally, emotionally and physically?
How do you feel about sex?
Do you love yourself?
Do you love others?
Are you generous or stingy?
What mess do you need to clean up before you start dating?
Are you overly picky, are you trying to date people that are not attracted to you?
Are you even available?

If you were to sell yourself at market what are the things that you would present on your ‘stall’? What are the things you would have under the table and not share openly? What are the things you are afraid to hear about yourself and for people to know about you? Maybe these are the things that you are going to have to rewrite in your life script.

 

A Personal Story

I had a client that had a hair loss problem and wore weaves all the time.  She was embarrassed about her hair loss and also ashamed of an unwanted pregnancy she had had sometime ago.  She met a man that she enjoyed being with.  He in turn enjoyed being with her.  However, she was worried that he would not like her because of her severe hair loss due to weaves and alopecia.  After our work together, she was able to come clean first with herself and then she courageously told him her situation.  He heard her and replied “I don’t care about your hair.  Women wear hair pieces all the time, I do not care about your unwanted pregnancies.  I want you. “  After her confession, she was relieved by his love for her and she reflects on how her shame has been hovering over all of her past relationships, bringing them nothing but pain and sorrow.  In the end, they are now happily married and expecting their own baby.

The main lesson to be learned is:   If you are okay with yourself, the man/woman that likes/loves you will be okay with you.

When starting to date, take it easy on yourself.  It is important that you come to terms with all your upsets, fears and concerns.  You have to forgive yourself and make sure you have taken the time to heal from any past relationships.  It’s important to have a heart to heart with yourself and make sure that you are ready to date.  No one wants to date your past.  What past pains are you bringing into your marketplace?

 
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How to be Happy at Work

When you get hired to do a job or work for a corporation, they’ve hired you because you are the right person for the job. You fit their needs and you have their desired skill set. In turn, you’re excited about being the one chosen. You fought the good fight and won. Whoo hoo.
You’re excited about your job description. You fit their budget; you’re fine with the prescribed salary and if you’re not they’ve hooked you with some sort of promise of a bonus or perk. The day that you joined the company of your dreams, you received a large binder with all you need to know about the company. If you’re anything like me, you’ll skim through it and you’re golden. The binder is filled with the does and don’ts and the musts and must nots, it’s clear that these are the company’s boundaries and rules for being a member of company. In essence they are rules of their game.

Skip ahead a few months:

The novelty of being the new person has worn off now. You fit snugly into your position. You have been on the job a few weeks or months, you’re smart enough and you pretty much have a general lay of the land by now. What are your boundaries or the boundaries that you see that you have to create for yourself.
As an employee do you have clear concise boundaries that you play by? If so, are they something that can be laid out clearly to your bosses and co-workers, or are they boundaries that only you know about and everyone else has to read your mind to understand? Do you have boundaries for your performance on the job?
It is important that you understand what it is you will and will not tolerate so you can discover what works for you and what does not work. This will enable you to organize yourself in a way that makes your life on the job comfortable. This is an opportunity to help you to see where you compromise and how it can affect you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Is it important for you have timelines for your work? Is it important that you take lunch and breaks for effective productivity throughout the day? How important is it for your co-workers to respect your space and the work that you do? Can you and do you welcome positive criticism or do you see criticism as a put down? How important is it for you to take vacation or well-being days within the confines of your allowable time off? Are you comfortable stating these needs in a confident way?

What do I do as a coach?

I often tell people that anyone can ask you for anything, and if you have healthy boundaries your answers can be from a healthy place, not a personal place. If your boundaries are unhealthy, you will take everything personally and be on the defensive side of the fence.
Practicing truth with yourself gives you clarity and peace of mind will help you know what your boundaries and rules are. It is important that your boundaries are clear in who you are being on the job. It helps you to be clear about your responsibilities, your attitudes and how you get along with others. It is important that you be clear in your communication and the promises that you make to yourself and to others.
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